My Marriage Fantasy

I’m not sure that I believe in love or even understand it. The notion reminds me of how when I was in grade school and how I was never able to grasp the concept of mathematics. I looked all around and everyone else seemed to “get it”. To this day I try to stay away from anything that has to do with numeric problem solving. I always wanted someone to love me, but now I am beginning to question whether I am capable of giving love in return. I know that love is more than just physical attraction. What I don’t know is whether deeply caring for someone is the same thing as being in love.

Marriage and family are popular subjects for serious couples. The vision in my mind is of a family backyard barbecue. I see the dad happily humming to himself at the grill, the mom humming the same tune while setting the table, and the kids playing in the yard. I’m not sure if this really happened in my own life or if I made it up somewhere. My parents split when I was fairly young, and before that my father was hardly around. I have no idea what a real solid marriage looks like. My mother never remarried and my father is working on his 4^th marriage (last time I heard). I have a significant other who wants to get married. Sometimes I fantasize about us being like the Huxtables. Other times I suffer from severe panic attacks whenever he brings me a brochure with wedding rings. I suppose I can’t believe that anyone would want to marry me. Even my own family questioned his judgment by cautioning him that I can’t cook. It is true that we share a child together and he has long declared himself the father of my older children. I was married once before. Neither one of us was truly committed to the cause. We both threw in the towel before there was even a fight. Everyone has their own ideas about marriage and family that were developed from past experiences. I do want to be married, especially because my religion dictates it as necessary. I just wonder if I will ever get to the point when I am truly ready for it to actually happen.