My negative assessment of my adult misbehavior comes from three different places. The first of course is my mother’s opinion of me. The second is my awareness of right and wrong. The third is from being raised as a Christian and knowing what the Bible says about sin. Having those three clouds over my head has caused me to be extra critical of myself and my actions.
My mother never made it a mandate not to have sex before marriage, even though the Bible teaches against fornication. The subject of marriage rarely came up in my household. My mother had such a rough go of it; I think her faith in marriage was shattered. I always assumed that in order to be in love sex was a requirement and that marriage would come as a result of it. After having no luck with sex and relationships, I knew that I was doing something wrong. Still I continued to do it anyway. The fear of going to hell for my sins was something that ate away at me. I knew I was doing wrong but, I felt that it would be cruel for God to punish me for just trying to find the love that other people so easily find every day.
I definitely would not call myself a devout Christian. I certainly have not dedicated my life in the way that my mother and aunt have. I have always felt guilty that I was not as close to God as they were. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me and that was the reason God had not reached out to me the way he has with them. I hold on to the little bit of faith that I have because it is all that I know. I feel that I am mostly connected to God through my mother. I think that it has been her faith and prayers that have guided me along in my life, and not my own. Still, I do not know if God heard me when I prayed to him as a child. I would like to think so.
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