Win-Win

He had the nerve to ask me what I wanted from him. As if I had been unappreciative of his very best. I didn’t answer right away. It wasn’t as simple as one little thing. In fact, there’s a running list. Even though it keeps going, I’m speechless.

It’s another Friday night; though Fridays don’t differ much from any other night. I’m up alone…waiting. Waiting for him to pay me some mind. He says that he that he does pay me attention. Even though it’s usually bits and pieces, here and there in between whatever show he’s watching. I try to strike up some kind of conversation. Sometimes I’m lucky and can get more than a yes or no answer. Other times I have concede to whatever has captivated his attention away from me. After that is all said and done, he will take a “nap”, which probably means he has turned in for the evening.

I sit here typing this and trying not to cry. Oh hell, I will go ahead and shed a few. They say tears cleanse the soul. I don’t think my soul needs cleansing as much as my heart needs consolation. All of this has got me wishing. I wish that things were different. I wish that I were different so that things like this wouldn’t happen to me.

A year ago when we were physically separated from each other, I never imagined that it would somehow feel the same. He is still distant, and I’m still not getting what I want. Attention. That’s all I want. 100% purely undivided attention, just for a little while. Why is that so hard or inconceivable?

Maybe I need to do what I did before and find someone else who will. That got his attention. I know my boundaries. I also know that a little harmless conversation couldn’t hurt anything. I feel like if I got what I needed elsewhere, I wouldn’t have to bug him with my shit. That way everyone could be happy! A total win-win situation.