Pandora's Box

Have you ever considered reading a guide or taking a class for love making? Right now there are so many options; advice columns, instructional classes, videos, etc. Back in the day there was either porn or trial and error. Since I’m not a prude, I applaud people who are brave enough to study up on the latest techniques.

When I think about most of my experiences I have to stop and laugh. I honestly can’t say that I even enjoyed the event itself; I was more grateful to have had the encounter than anything else. So basically, the point of me having sex wasn’t for my own physical pleasure but to say that I actually “did it”. Lame, I know.

My first actual encounter didn’t take place until I was eighteen. I was working on a show, and there was this cute boy with long dark brown hair and green eyes. I was smitten with him for weeks. One day I got the courage enough to go with him to his apartment. There was nothing romantic about what took place.

I came right out and told him I wanted to have sex with him. He told me that he was willing to oblige. There was about 4-5 minutes of awkward kissing, and then we went to his room. I undressed, he undressed, and from there everything went downhill. I told him I was a virgin. He admitted to me that he had just lost his virginity a week prior. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

After 3 minutes of intercourse, it was over and I went home. Even though there was no pleasure involved, I was stoked that I finally got that “monkey off my back”. This all happened around the Christmas holiday. A girl I knew from high school was home on break. We went to lunch and ironically, we both were eager to share that we were no longer virgins!

Her experience was no better than mine. We also shared the common thread of being the less attractive females, who thought we’d die, shriveled up old spinsters. I was glad that we shared our stories with each other. We were never really that close in high school. I felt it was meaningful that we had shared our moments.

For many years my sexual experiences didn’t improve past my first. In most cases they got worse. I began to wonder what was so great about sex to begin with. Most of the men that I was with didn’t care that I was not getting satisfied. I believe that I had gotten good at faking it. Sometimes I would just lie there and imagine that I was somewhere else until it was over. They never knew the difference. It was laughable again because all of these men bragged and boasted about their “abilities”.

I had my first orgasm at 29yrs old. I take that back; I had my first orgasm from intercourse at 29yrs old. Like I said, I’m no prude and feel no shame in talking about this. I came to realize that the best way to receive positive results was for me to explore my body on my own.

I thought that after that big first it would be like opening Pandora’s Box. That isn’t always the case. It’s not about the blame game. It’s just that I still have issues with myself and my sexuality. I realize that it might take a long time to undue all the years of damage. Fortunately, I have a patient and understanding partner.

I have an open mind and an open heart. Finally, I have the one element that has been missing all this time; a loving man. With that combination I know that I’m on the right path to ecstasy.