At The Scene of The Crime

Holding on to the past can lock you in a place of bondage and keep you from the freedom of having a better future. This is something that I have heard pretty much all of my life. It goes right along with the rule of forgiveness. Forgiving a trespass can release you from the pain of the past. Yes, I know this. I still had a hard time following through with it. When I finally was able to do so, I was amazed at the results.

I met a young man years ago, during a time when my heart was wandering and searching for love. We had the element of insta-connect going on. I believe we were both in the same place of desperately needing to be loved. I tried my hardest to keep him. I went all out and bent over backwards to make him happy. Many of my friends wondered why I would bother with him because he was not on my same level; mentally, spiritually, etc. Still I went through with the deal to prove that I was a loyal and faithful person. I took him home to meet my folks, which is something that I had never done.

Right after we returned from visiting my family he became distant. I allowed him to have his space and didn’t push the matter. I had no idea what he was doing behind my back. Apparently he decided to drop me and take up with someone else. He wasn’t man enough to tell me to my face. When he finally decided to man-up and confront me with the issue, he cowardly justified his actions by trying to say that he “heard” rumors about me. None of the rumors were true and he knew it.

I was already devastated at the way we broke up. Then I found out that I was pregnant. My world had spun out of control. He had the nerve to demand that I take a pregnancy test in front of him, as if I needed a reason to lie. His new chick wanted to fight me; for what I have no idea. My humiliation was rather public because we all worked together. Everyone knew our business.

One night I prayed to God like I'd never prayed before. My grief was so overwhelming. Not only my heart but, my spirit was broken. I tried to run away but, I knew it was impossible. I cried and prayed until there was nothing left to say on the matter. Shortly after that I had a miscarriage. At first I was deeply distraught over it. Then I came to the conclusion that God’s will had intervened. I felt like I had been in a terrible car accident, and with God’s grace I was able to walk away relatively unscathed.

As time went on I had no idea that I hadn’t emotionally released myself from the scene of the crime. I had scars that were hidden. Somehow they would manifest themselves whenever I least expected it. I guess you could say that I had a crippled heart. Sometimes I think I loved with a limp. I thought time was what healed all wounds.

Recently I came into contact with this man. From what I could tell he hadn’t change much from when we were younger. He was still clueless and self relevant. At first I approached him with a friendly kind of banter. He was receptive and returned the same conversation. After a while I realized that I couldn’t beat around the bush. I wrote him a letter and told him exactly how I felt about how he dealt me dirty. He was more than just a little defensive and even pissed off about what I said. He did everything but admit his guilt and gave a half ass apology. It hit me like a bolt of lightning; this man never cared anything for me to begin with.

At first I was offended at his dismissal of the great pain he had caused me. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I had been carrying this great burden in my heart, and for him it wasn’t even a blip on his radar. Then I let it go and I was finally free. Just like that I was no longer weighed down with this tremendous source of pain. I thank God that he did me a favor by not allowing me to be tied down to that sorry excuse for a man!

What are you holding onto? Who is it that is in your past that you’ve allowed to hold power over your present and future? Not everyone gets to confront their abuser. It’s all the same if that person can’t admit that they were a jerk and shouldn’t have wronged you. Let it all go and let God heal you. Walk away from the scene of whatever horrific crime has held you captive and move into the future with God’s grace. He looks beyond our faults to meet our needs.