When Love Ain't On The Menu

I’m beginning to lose hope in the way we “relate” to each other. The hit or miss scenario is getting old. I feel like there is no real purpose in reaching out to him. On one hand my body craves affection and attention. On the other, I know that I will come up lacking in one department or another. We’ve fallen into a rut, and it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll come out. The promise of keeping things fresh and alive seems to be far more demanding than what was expected. I find myself looking at the option of how to become a cheat. I don’t necessarily want to be with another. Maybe it can serve as a wakeup call for both of us. We are not lovers, nowhere near friends with benefits, and borderline of being platonic. I guess it’s true that when you can’t have it your way at one spot, you’ll make a way to get it at another.

Trains and Pains, and Things

What we have is beyond a culture clash, it’s unacceptable. Some simple truths have a way of breaking through. I’m not even mad, I totally get it. The writing’s been on the wall. It’s time to call the spade for what he is. I can’t say that I didn’t try; I needed to know without a doubt. It’s quite possible that some people were meant to be alone. What’s the point of “having” someone if you can’t have a happy home? I have no interest in trying to change a man who is completely content with the way he is. In fact, I admire that about him. That’s why I’m prepared to let it go, so he can be himself with no apologies. This here is a train wreck, and I’m getting off. There’s no way I can muscle my way through to a better tomorrow. It is what it is. I’m done digging my heels in quick sand. I’m all out of hope, so there’s only one option. My heart is no longer open and my mind is unavailable. At the end of the day I can live without this man. No more pretending, because that’s not me. That’s not the way a relationship should ever have to be. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I’m down for the count, that thing’s for sure. I look to heaven to make this thing right. It’s not like I gave in without a fight. I just don’t see the point in going in circles. I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I know I can’t take this anymore. I’m so empty, I can’t even cry. I don’t like to sleep with him, so I stay up half the night. My goal is to not let things go from bad to worse. I think we can dally in a comfortable silence. There’s no need to make a scene or to shout about it. That’s not my style. I can be cool about it. I have a feeling that the opportunity will come for a clean break. I will wait for it, because it’s the chance that I’m going to take. The signs will be there for when I make my move. I just have to be patient. I will do as much.

Cloudy Love With a Chance of Rain

Yea I got a ring, but I ain’t happy tho. There’s so many bullet holes in the cloak, it ain’t wearable. Too bad the steam engine puffed up the hill, but he ain’t make it tho. What are my options? Wake up and face being all alone or suck it up and be miserable? I’m chasing a dream, and it’s a nightmare. Funny how the truth slaps the taste right out your mouth. In reality, almost doesn’t count. What’s the point of a rainbow if there’s no pot of gold? It’s like a mirage of a promise that’s so beautiful. Being in this relationship is like waiting for a storm to pass. I would cry, but my tears would probably freeze on my face…cuz my heart is cold. My body’s numb from walking in limbo. I grieve deeply cuz I ain’t ask for this. When did the other half of fifty turn to thirty percent? I knew it was over, like a while ago. I’m just running on fumes ‘til the weather breaks….or I do first.

The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Over the years I’ve heard mention of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Even though I knew it was a true story, I never imagined how real it was. It blows my mind to think that there are people around who pretend to be something other than who they really are for one reason or another. It makes me wonder; how hard is it to pretend that you’re good?

I suppose that I can say that I am the kind of person who looks for the good in others. I certainly try not to make a habit of obsessing on the negatives. I know people who have done bad things, including myself. I don’t hold it against them. Everyone has the opportunity to change and turn over a new leaf. Why then would anyone pretend to walk the line?

I met a real wolf who is still pretending that be a sheep. He has no idea that I know what the deal is. One can only pretend for so long before they slip up and show their real self. I think that somewhere in their youth, this person decided to embrace darkness. Now they have a black heart and their soul is empty. I can’t be with someone like this.

I tried to help this person out; give them a life line. Of course I did it for my own selfish reason, but ultimately I wanted to help. I could not figure out why they were so content with how they are. Then it hit me that this person hasn’t changed in all these years and doesn’t want to. Somewhere their emotional development stopped taking place and they are stuck right in the same spot.

I could not see past what I wanted and reached out to this person. They gave me a good bill of sales, which turned out to be all lies. They presented themselves one way, when in truth they are nothing like that and probably will never be. I’m not interested in trying to change this man into the person that I need him to be. He has a rebellious spirit that cannot be tamed.  I don’t want to be tied down or yoked up with someone who has so many issues. He doesn’t want to work on himself. He’d rather present a mirage than to do the leg work. He’s too old for that and too young to just quit on himself. I still care for him, but I know that I cannot help him. I’d just be adding extra pain and headaches to my already melodramatic life. I use to pray for indifference. Now I pray for independence.

Win-Win

He had the nerve to ask me what I wanted from him. As if I had been unappreciative of his very best. I didn’t answer right away. It wasn’t as simple as one little thing. In fact, there’s a running list. Even though it keeps going, I’m speechless.

It’s another Friday night; though Fridays don’t differ much from any other night. I’m up alone…waiting. Waiting for him to pay me some mind. He says that he that he does pay me attention. Even though it’s usually bits and pieces, here and there in between whatever show he’s watching. I try to strike up some kind of conversation. Sometimes I’m lucky and can get more than a yes or no answer. Other times I have concede to whatever has captivated his attention away from me. After that is all said and done, he will take a “nap”, which probably means he has turned in for the evening.

I sit here typing this and trying not to cry. Oh hell, I will go ahead and shed a few. They say tears cleanse the soul. I don’t think my soul needs cleansing as much as my heart needs consolation. All of this has got me wishing. I wish that things were different. I wish that I were different so that things like this wouldn’t happen to me.

A year ago when we were physically separated from each other, I never imagined that it would somehow feel the same. He is still distant, and I’m still not getting what I want. Attention. That’s all I want. 100% purely undivided attention, just for a little while. Why is that so hard or inconceivable?

Maybe I need to do what I did before and find someone else who will. That got his attention. I know my boundaries. I also know that a little harmless conversation couldn’t hurt anything. I feel like if I got what I needed elsewhere, I wouldn’t have to bug him with my shit. That way everyone could be happy! A total win-win situation.

Insult to Injury

Over the years I have encountered a small problem with my left knee. Without warning it is subject to just “give out”. This is not only a painful experience, but a surprising one as well. A healthy person should never have to question the stability of her legs. The legs are there for support, which makes them very important.

Ironically, my relationship has fallen into the same kind of category of being unstable. Things can be going fine, and then without warning there is a blow out. I don’t understand this anymore than I understand the problem with my knee. It makes me curious as to what I am doing wrong. The problem has to be with me right?

I have never been in a long term relationship, so I don’t know the dos and don’ts or ins and outs. I wouldn’t say that I’m just going along for the ride. I’ve really grown a lot in all this time. Still, it hurts my heart just as bad as it hurts my knee when things go wrong.

Unlike with my knee, I could run a whole list of reasons things are going so badly in my relationship. For starts, the communication sucks. Neither one of us have been good about being open, up front. And even honest. I lamented earlier about how passionless the sex can be. It’s like the relationship barely has a pulse. I suppose we are running off of fumes. We have a family and responsibilities, so it’s not like we can just walk away.

Right now where we stand is unappealing, unhappy, unsatisfying, and most of all unstable. I am stuck with my legs and my bad knee for the rest of my life. Can I say the same about this relationship? No one should be staring out the window, wishing on a star that things could be different. After a while I will get to the point where I will name what those “things” are. Once I identify them, perhaps my heart will lean towards them instead of what I have now.

Letter To Juliet

It’s amazing how you can watch a sappy romantic movie or read a book and feel gratified and sad at the same time. It’s kind of like trying to satisfy a craving that never ends. If I went to Verona and wrote a letter to Juliet, I suppose I would ask her why is it that my life lacks romance? I don’t necessarily need my man to climb on a balcony and profess his undying love for me. It would be nice to go for a long stroll holding hands, or just to be held until I drifted off to sleep.

Every now and then I am allotted what could be considered romantic gestures. I realize that everyone has their own idea about what true romance entails. Who wants to be involved in a passionless, lack-luster relationship? I’ve tried to write romance novels, yet they somehow turn up incomplete. Without a well to draw from I have no canvass to display my work. Nothing like that goes on in my own life. Perhaps it is hard for me to imagine anything of the sort.

Should I leave little hints? Or perhaps I should beg. I wonder what it would take to get that kind of thing going in my life. Maybe I should do some light reading on sprucing up my love life. Obviously nothing interesting is going to happen in the bedroom if the mood isn’t right. Lust can only carry you so far.

We have only been together for a little while, and we are already in Snoozeville. There is no mystery, surprise, or romance. Just blah, less than ordinary, and mundane. Where do we go from here? I’m already looking out my window wishing on a star that it could be different. How sad.

What do you suggest, Juliet?

Breaking Free

There was a girl that I once knew; she was lonely and sad all the time.

The girl that I knew, she was once me.

I’m not the same person that I used to be.

Thank God I’m free!

There was a girl that I used to know; she was walked over like dirt on the floor.

That same girl lives here no more.

I’m not the same person that I used to be.

Thank God I’m free!

There was this little girl I used to see; she had no voice.

That same girl found that in time she could speak her own mind.

I’m not the same person that I used to be.

Thank God I’m free!

Ocean of Love or Sea of Regret?

Life has a funny way of playing tricks on you. As a self-proclaimed “relationship advice columnist” I don’t decree to have all the answers. I just take the knowledge that I learn and share it as it comes to me. Sometimes I am well seasoned in my assertions and other times I am literally discovering it as my fingers hit the key board. Life is an eternal learning process. I am open and grateful to the Holy Spirit as he guides me.

I always want to be upfront and honest about who I am and what goes on in my life. How can I bring deliverance to myself and others if I’m not? My blog isn’t about releasing skeletons of old and new out of my closet. It is an open forum for me to be real, probably more real than I am in person.

The dilemma that I face right now is whether I am swimming in the lavish ocean of love or drowning in the deep sea of regret. I believe that I love my partner with all my heart. When he’s on point he can be so loving to a point that it moves me. Other times he can be so cold and distant that causes me to take pause. Another issue; (the big ugly ass elephant that keeps blocking our relationship), I don’t like the way he treats my eldest son.

I often think about how things were when we first met. He was so sweet and eager to please. I know that virtually everyone is like that in the beginning. When he met my son, he was so kind and warm to him that it touched my heart. Somewhere along the way they fell out. My son was and still is territorial; that’s just the Alpha Male in him wanting to protect his mommy.

One day we were all sitting around watching television and my son told my partner to shut up. I reprimanded the boy for being rude and thought little more of it. My partner was offended at both me and my son. He felt that I should have done more to punish the boy, and said that back when he was a child he would have been slapped in the mouth for such disrespect to an adult.

I don’t believe in extreme corporal punishment, and slapping a child for any reason is uncalled for. We fell out over it. That was a few years ago, but ever since my guys have been butting heads. It grieves me to no end because I was raised that a mother should never choose anyone or anything over her children. I agree and I won’t.

In my partner’s small defense, he was mistreated by his father as a child. In my opinion they had, and still have, a very dysfunctional relationship. I would think that this man would want to do better by his children, instead of emulate the same kind of emotional abuse. I never had a permanent father figure in my life. I don’t want to rob my children of having a dad, but I feel like I could go either way with it.

My partner can be so immature and childlike. Only children take a defensive or victim’s mentality when facing criticism. The adult thing to do would be to accept the criticism, try to see if there is any truth to it, and make the necessary changes. This man also has the mentality to believe that just because he is the adult he is either right and/or his judgment should not be questioned by the child.

Whenever he and the boy fall out, and it is quite often, he gets angry with me for taking my son’s side. I don’t always take my son’s side. I’m not blind, and call it when he is clearly in the wrong. Then my partner can never limit his angered towards the even at hand. He likes to bring up “every time” that something has gone wrong. It is insane.

I feel that since he is the adult he should be the bigger person in every situation, to show the boy how to be a real man. Instead, he shuts down and recedes like a child who can’t have his way. How can I respect a man who acts like that?

He doesn’t see it, but he treats my eldest son different from the other children. For some reason he has slightly more patience with them. When he’s in his cold mode he is equally dismissive of them all. His remedy for getting along with the eldest child is to not speak to him or deal with him. What kind of parent does that?

I have told him repeatedly that I will not allow him to bruise my son’s spirit. I didn’t like everything that my parents did to me as a child. I make up for it by making an effort not to do those things to my own. He does the opposite. Granted, I have had more experience in parenting than him. Babysitting your brother, sister, nieces and nephews is hardly on the same caliber.

This man came into this relationship knowing that there were children involved. I expect more from him. I don’t expect him to be perfect. I just expect him to allow this process to help him grow the hell up. So far he is failing in this department. I don’t want there to be a major rift in my family because of it.

I love this man deeply, but I have one foot out the door. I will never choose him over my children. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than to allow this to continue. I’ve told him this a numerous amount of times. Each time he claims that he has heard my petition and will make amends. Then something goes wrong and we are right back at square one.

I pray that he will have an awakening in his heart. Things will not get better now or over time if he doesn’t. He will wind up on the outside looking in. Change is hard, but it’s a part of life and necessary.

Growing Pains

Why does it seem that some adults literally stopped growing emotionally? This is really baffling to me. There in front of me I see a grown up; well up in their years, acting like a child having a temper tantrum. I suppose in order to see or know this for sure one would have to spend a great deal of time around a child or children. It is easier to look over an actual child that acts this way.

These same people are quick to get angry and insist that they are “tired of being treated like a child”, yet they won’t admit to their stunted emotional growth. Like a child; these people are selfish and self relevant. They only concern themselves with how things affect them. They don’t have a lot of patience for others and have a small capacity for compassion. These same people have been told throughout their adulthood that they need to take lessons in sensitivity.

It’s so hard to be in a relationship with someone like this. No one is perfect, but this particular flaw makes for a lose/lose situation, especially if there are real children in the mix. How do you tell a grown up to grow the hell up? How do you pray for someone to change when they see nothing wrong with how they are?

I try to work on my flaws on a daily basis, I am not always successful. I know that not everyone does the same. In my situation, I keep having to have the same argument over and over again. A certain person is just not taking the hint. In so many words they say they will change, but nothing ever does. This is how I came to realize that people should really work on themselves and their personal issues before they call their self a spouse or a parent. If you are not willing to do the work from the inside out, nothing else matters.

It’s amazing how a man can go to work and give 110% with his hands and come home that evening and give 35-65 percent. Do you have to get paid to be on you P’s and Q’s? Is it too much to ask to step it up a notch?

I know that every father and husband can’t be like Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable; he’s not even real. The idea is phenomenal  though. Imagine having a man who is warm, sensitive, humorous, loving, and willing to dig in even after a long day at work. I also imagine that having a wife like Mrs. H. is dreamlike as well. I’m certainly no Clair, so I shouldn’t be wishing for Cliff. I just wonder if there is somewhere that we can meet in between.

The growing pains of relationships are meant to help everyone develop into better people. Why does it feel like it’s tearing me apart? I will pray for strength and wisdom. Only time will tell if it is in vain.

Love Worth Finding

My eldest son is quite an extraordinary young man. Ever since he was a baby he’s always seemed to have some kind of sway with the ladies. He would stare at them, kind of like the way a man stares at a woman he wants. I was often thrown off by this, especially when the women would respond to him. They would say things like; “I couldn’t get past the way he was staring at me”. They were flattered by it.

As time went on he became more transparent. If anyone brought a girl over to the house, my son would take off his shirt and proceed to demonstrate how manly he is by doing pushups. Once again, the girl/woman would be taken by his charms and completely flattered by his attempts to impress them.

He is in second grade now, and his school year is going very different than I expected. When I ask him about his day, he tells me about some little girl that he wants to be his girlfriend. At first I thought it was cute. When I was a schoolgirl there weren’t any boys who fancied me. My son even took the time to write a young lady a note. It went something like this: “Do you love me? I bet you do. If you love me, we can be together”. How sweet.

My son the Casanova; hasn’t had a lot of luck in the love department. Despite his good looks, boyish charms, and never ending stream of love letters his pursuits don’t always fan out. There was one girl that we had to buy a ring (pop) for, and another that we bought a box of chocolate cherries with a freshly picked flower. Even after his great efforts, the girls got away.

I don’t know how long the life span of a 2^nd grade crush is supposed to be. I just know that the girls briefly allow themselves to be spoiled by my son, and then, (as he puts it) dump him. Each and every time it happens my son is destroyed and we have to spend a great deal of time building his spirit back up.

Crushes come and go; this is a part of life. I always tell him that there will be plenty more girls. I do find it somewhat alarming at how serious he is about love and relationships at such a young age. My fear is that he is trying to fill some void by seeking the approval of a woman. The pain from rejection is enough to send anyone over the edge.

I pray that my family and I will be able to teach him to have enough self love so that nothing will be able to knock him off his center. My heart hurts for him. I just hope that I can reach him before he has a lifetime of grief, like me.

Did you know that if you do not love yourself, you are not able to receive or believe in God’s unconditional love? People spend their lives trying to connect with others just so they know the feeling of love. It all starts from within.

My son is young yet, and still has a ways to go in the school of hard knocks. I think he will be alright. God is watching and guiding over him every day. His situation just brought a powerful lesson to my heart that I wanted to share with you.

Love Thyself, Love Thy Life

Two women were sitting in a pizza shop. They both had ordered their own pies, and were about to dig in. One woman said to the other; “I can’t do this”! The other looked at her confused. She said; “I want to eat this pizza, but I had to unzip my pants just after looking at it.” Her friend looked in disbelief. She then asserted; “I have already gained like 10lbs extra, and I am beginning to have a little pooch belly”. The other woman laughed and asked her; “What does your man say about this? When you take off your clothes in front of him does he ask you to leave the room, or does he gaze at you in disgust”? She quietly shook her head no. Her wise friend continued; “Of course not. You know why; because he doesn’t care. He is in a room with the woman he loves, standing naked before him. He is in paradise”! A tear slid down the woman’s cheek. Her friend went on to further explain; “I have spent a lifetime feeling guilty about everything that I eat. I count calories, I am sure to do my crunches, etc. I decided to put an end to all that and just enjoy as much of every moment in life that I can. I’m not interested in becoming obese; I just don’t want to put so much effort into worrying about something that isn’t really a problem”.

What a novel idea! When I was a child, I was so skinny that people thought that I was being starved at home. I’m told I was pure ribs and boney legs. When I was an early teen we lived in a dangerous neighbor in Dallas, TX. My mother forbade me to go outside unless I was going to school or with my family. I spent two and half years practicing terrible eating habits and not getting any exercise.

When I went off to boot camp for the Army, my body was cut and fit like never before. When my unit deployed to Egypt, I maintained a strict diet of water and M.R.E.s (meal’s ready to eat) the entire time. After I got pregnant with my eldest son, all of that went out the window. Still, I was able to maintain a decent figure.

Last year I had this dead end, pond scum of a job. I held odd hours and fell back into my old habit of eating bad. Over the holidays I noticed that some extra weight had suddenly jumped on me. I realize that this isn’t from nowhere. I am over thirty, so my metabolism might be giving me some kind of sign.

I think I still have it going on for a woman who carried four children; all of them were well over 5lbs at birth. None of my clothes fit me right anymore. This is distressing to me because, I rarely shop for new clothes. It took me a while to accumulate what little wardrobe I do have. At first, I thought I was bugging out because I didn’t want to admit that I need to go up in pants size. Then I realized that I have to buy a whole new set of clothes, if I don’t want to continue to suck my gut in all day long.

I asked my man how he felt. He always says I look fine and don’t need to lose any weight. I hate it when he says that. I can’t believe that he is honestly still attracted to me. He hates it when I say that. My mind gets taxed over things like this. I am very self conscious about my appearance.

I even took to only making love in the dark. Then somewhere I just stopped wanting to have sex at all. I joined a hot yoga class, determined to sweat away my bulge. I tried walking on the trails every day, but with the sucky Washington weather it is impossible.

One day I decided enough with the fuss. I’m fortunate to be with a man who loves me for my mind, soul, and body. As far as he is concerned, I am the mother of his children and the apple of his eye. Knowing that alone makes me feel sexy. It isn’t just his approval that helps me to cope. I am finally coming to a place where I can accept me for me. This is regardless of if I am thin or not, if my hair is combed or not, and if my clothes fit or not. 

God created us in his image. When we love each other, we love God. I want to love God and need to love myself in order to get there. None of this is to say that I won’t continue to try and stay fit. I have four children and I live in a state with nothing but mountains and bike trails. Like the woman in the story, I will enjoy as much of every minute that I can. I will also stop worrying about things that aren’t really a problem.

That Girl

I am the poster girl for a life that no woman wants to have. I have lived through one of the oldest stories in the book. Girl meets guy, girl has sex with guy, and guy goes around bragging to everyone that he hit it, but never calls. Girl is labeled as a ho. Girl finds out she is pregnant and confronts guy. Guy denies being the father and tries to pretend that they never met.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me again after that, and again I will take all the blame. Why is it that the guy always gets to walk clean away, and the girl is left to bare the mark of her sins? None of my four pregnancies were planned. For three of them I was literally left holding the bag.

The first ended with a miscarriage and I was allowed to live down the error of my ways. The second gave me the precious gift of my first child and eldest son, so I can hardly be mad. When the third occurred, my doctor told me that God has an awesome sense of humor. Even though I love my beautiful twin girls, I hardly found it a laughing matter. My fourth pregnancy was fate making a mockery of my life. My dear Joshua came to me in spite of that fact that I took measures to permanently end getting pregnant.

Through all of my pregnancies I felt alone, and was most often humiliated for one reason or another. I love all my children with every drop of blood in my body, I just hated being pregnant. My last go round was going fine, but due to unforeseen circumstances the father and I was separated. For the amount of emotional distress and heavy heartedness that I have gone through, it’s amazing that I came out in one piece.

I’m so glad that part of my life is over. Of course if I had the chance I would do it all differently. I think that I would focus on trying to be a better person, instead of trying to get some man’s approval. I am aware of my mistakes and continue the process of trying to make my life better, for myself and my children.

Fortunately, I have the opportunity to right many wrongs and give my kids a chance at the life I never had. They have both a mother and father who work tirelessly to make sure they have a better go of things in their lives. This is not done by giving them materials, but by ensuring that they know the dos and don’ts that seemed to trap us.

I have come a long way from my meager beginnings. I still have a ways to go, but at least I’m not where I use to be. Perhaps even right now I am that girl that some women wish they could be.

Pandora's Box

Have you ever considered reading a guide or taking a class for love making? Right now there are so many options; advice columns, instructional classes, videos, etc. Back in the day there was either porn or trial and error. Since I’m not a prude, I applaud people who are brave enough to study up on the latest techniques.

When I think about most of my experiences I have to stop and laugh. I honestly can’t say that I even enjoyed the event itself; I was more grateful to have had the encounter than anything else. So basically, the point of me having sex wasn’t for my own physical pleasure but to say that I actually “did it”. Lame, I know.

My first actual encounter didn’t take place until I was eighteen. I was working on a show, and there was this cute boy with long dark brown hair and green eyes. I was smitten with him for weeks. One day I got the courage enough to go with him to his apartment. There was nothing romantic about what took place.

I came right out and told him I wanted to have sex with him. He told me that he was willing to oblige. There was about 4-5 minutes of awkward kissing, and then we went to his room. I undressed, he undressed, and from there everything went downhill. I told him I was a virgin. He admitted to me that he had just lost his virginity a week prior. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

After 3 minutes of intercourse, it was over and I went home. Even though there was no pleasure involved, I was stoked that I finally got that “monkey off my back”. This all happened around the Christmas holiday. A girl I knew from high school was home on break. We went to lunch and ironically, we both were eager to share that we were no longer virgins!

Her experience was no better than mine. We also shared the common thread of being the less attractive females, who thought we’d die, shriveled up old spinsters. I was glad that we shared our stories with each other. We were never really that close in high school. I felt it was meaningful that we had shared our moments.

For many years my sexual experiences didn’t improve past my first. In most cases they got worse. I began to wonder what was so great about sex to begin with. Most of the men that I was with didn’t care that I was not getting satisfied. I believe that I had gotten good at faking it. Sometimes I would just lie there and imagine that I was somewhere else until it was over. They never knew the difference. It was laughable again because all of these men bragged and boasted about their “abilities”.

I had my first orgasm at 29yrs old. I take that back; I had my first orgasm from intercourse at 29yrs old. Like I said, I’m no prude and feel no shame in talking about this. I came to realize that the best way to receive positive results was for me to explore my body on my own.

I thought that after that big first it would be like opening Pandora’s Box. That isn’t always the case. It’s not about the blame game. It’s just that I still have issues with myself and my sexuality. I realize that it might take a long time to undue all the years of damage. Fortunately, I have a patient and understanding partner.

I have an open mind and an open heart. Finally, I have the one element that has been missing all this time; a loving man. With that combination I know that I’m on the right path to ecstasy.

For The Lonely

Sometimes I think that there are certain people who are destined to be alone.  No matter how they try to remedy this problem it simply won’t go away. After a while, a small few give up and find contentment in their solitude. Others continue to find a solution.

Maybe there is nothing really wrong with being alone. Perhaps the problem is that people confuse “alone” with “loneliness”. From my own personal experiences I have been in the midst of many people and felt completely invisible. Loneliness can happen anywhere. I think that being alone and feeling lonely can be a lethal combination but, loneliness is the worse of the two.

There are benefits that can come from being alone. One should be able to find a level of comfort and openness. I feel that I am in my most natural state when I am alone. Embracing isolation has not always been my choice but, I have a sense of peace about it. Not everyone can say the same.

After years of trying to fit in and be liked by other people, I just decided to be cool with myself. There are some people who never dare to; go to the movies by themselves, dine alone, or even talk to their self. I have done all of the above and I don’t feel bad about any of it. I don’t say any of this to be boastful. I just understand the importance of finding value in my “alone time”.

I used to admire girls who always had a man or even friends for that matter. My life has hardly been as such. I can count on both hands how many actual boyfriends that I’ve had and even less for true friends. Even now that I am in a relationship, I still spend quite a lot of time alone. Perhaps this is my comfort zone that I am not willing to depart with.

For me, loneliness is the real issue. Loneliness has been a lifelong companion of mine. Could it be possible that I have spent so much time alone that I don’t know how to relate to people when they are around? It is such a strange notion to me to have someone by my side and still feel lonely. I just assumed that one would cancel out the other.

I have not been able to shake my lonely feelings and refuse to embrace them. I am not at a point of giving up. I just have to remember to keep trying and reaching out to whoever will receive me. I encourage anyone else to do the same.

Not Falling For The Hype

Why is it that certain folks feel the need to exaggerate when they brag about; how good of a lover they are, how much money they have, or how much sway they have with other people? Personally, I have never felt confident enough about myself to boast about much of anything. It’s not just the regular average Joes who do it. The media and the entertainment industries spend billions of dollars trying to get people to buy into the facade.

I was up in the early hours of the morning, flipping through the channels on TV. I stopped on a rap video channel. I have no idea who the rapper was or what he was rapping about, (nor do I care to) but, I noticed the style of his video. He was a rather large and fairly unattractive fellow. He had the nerve to be sitting on the beach with his shirt off. I was turned off by his obese grizzly looking features. I could do nothing but laugh when this bikini clad model chick came up a draped herself on top of him. I turned the channel.

I flipped through the cable channels on a full rotation and somehow came back to that same channel. Ironically, there was a new video with the same heavy weight unsightly man in it. This time he was driving an expensive sports car and had another model bimbo on the passenger side. He was sure to flash his bling to spice things up some more. They got out of the car and while he stood in a solid profile, once again his lady friend draped herself all over him…and the car.

Somehow the audience is supposed to believe that this man is so cool and he can have a romantic relationship with any pretty girl of his choice. The reality is that he would definitely have to buy a female like her. She was fake from head to toe. All weaved out, eyelashes, boobs, nails, and lord knows what else. The sad thing is that she was really nothing more than an accessory like; the car and the jewels.

The next video had two different rap guys in it but, the premise was still basically the same. They live in a tricked out mansion and had several beautiful female servants to wait on them hand and foot. The guys were not ugly but, they weren’t Denzel either. Yet these beautiful young women had nothing better to do with their day than throw themselves at whim of these rappers.

In the real world not too many people live that fantasy. Not everyone promotes such an extravagant false impression. I suppose the simpler the lie is, the less they’d have to cover their tracks when they fall short. I try my best to steer clear of calling people out for their short comings. It isn’t always easy though.

Perhaps false bravado is really a form of reversed psychology. Maybe if you tell yourself (and others) that you are this and you can do that, it will somehow be true. Or maybe not.

Oh Happy Day

If you have been alone/single for a while, you might find it a little difficult to function properly once you get into a relationship. Although there is the constant longing to share your life with someone, a single minded person has many obstacles to overcome before they can truly mesh with someone. Sometimes those obstacles can make you stand back and wonder what you were hoping for in the first place?

I look at myself for example; I’d been single long enough to know that I don’t want or need any extra baggage in my life. I do want to be loved and be in love but, there are simply some things that I am not willing to compromise on in order to have it. I honestly and whole heartedly believe that I would rather stay single for the rest of my life and invest in a footlocker’s supply of batteries to accompany some really expensive adult toys, rather than sacrifice my soul for any man.

Yes it’s true that I’ve been around the block more than a few times. After all that running around my body is tired and my heart is weary. I’m not crazy though. I would never ask my man to do or give anything that I wasn’t willing to comply with in return. There has to be a balance somewhere.

It’s hard to be in a relationship and not still be self relevant. I mean obviously you love and care for your mate. It’s just that somewhere in the back of your mind you still feel like you have to look out for yourself and protect your own interests. Let’s be honest; no one wants to get played. If you feel like you’re doing the most when your partner is doing the least, there is definitely a problem.

Real love is worth fighting for and even about. If you are quick to throw in the towel as soon as a storm comes along, you might as well take my advice about the battery operated toys. Good relationships lead you on an interesting journey. Not only do you find out about your significant other but, you also discover yourself. The day that you can start thinking less about you and more about him is the same day that two becomes one. I would love to see that day in my life. I believe we can get there, together.

·         Remember, I am a work in progress…what’s your excuse?

And Then There Was Light

It was the misfortune of my lack of self respect that caused me to run through a heap of men and led me through a whirlwind of one night stands, STDs, date rape, and unplanned pregnancies.  Some secrets are buried and so hidden that they never see the light of day. Then an avalanche occurs and they come rushing out like a flood. It is best to embrace the pain, rather than deny it. Perhaps denial is what kept them buried for so long in the first place. How can one learn from their past mistakes if they don’t first acknowledge that they happened in the first place?

No one wants to keep reliving the moments when they were not at their best. That can be a trap too. The balance will come when you can recognize where you went wrong and move on from there. Often people are told to ignore the past as a way of moving forward. This cannot and will not bring healing.

The Bible says that Jesus was wounded for our transgressions and bruised for our iniquities. Everything that Jesus went through on the cross covers everything that a person will go through in his lifetime. Now I understand the statement; “Take up your cross and follow me”. One of my biggest convictions is to not let the past be a definition of who you are as a whole person.

What I am working on now is to not let my past separate me from Christ. I just figured this out at the same moment that I wrote this. Pray for me, as I will pray for you. Amen.

One Dark Nite

I remember a time, back when I was in junior college, I was young and restless. I was looking for the next big thing to happen in my life. There was a girl who I was acquainted with. We weren’t really friends; I know this because I can’t recall her name. I told her I was on the market and looking for a man. She told me that she had a cousin who was equally single. She invited me to his house for a date.

I got my mother to drop me off at his house. I told her I was going to meet a girlfriend; which technically wasn’t a lie, because the girl lived there too. When I arrived she told me that she had a date and they were going to the movies. Her cousin said that he just lost his job and didn’t have any cash to spare. I was content with just kicking it with him at home. After she left we had the house to ourselves.

If my memory serves me correctly he wasn’t the most attractive man. I didn’t care; I wasn’t the most attractive girl…lol. We made small talk for a little while, he seemed nice enough. Everything was fine until he invited me into his bedroom to watch television. We sat on his bed and watched the news. He kept insisting that I make myself more comfortable.

At first it began with him removing my shoes. I told him that I didn’t want to but, he was adamant about not wanting me sitting on his bed with my shoes on.  I vaguely remember how he wrestled my clothes off.  The next thing I knew, we were having sex and he was hurting me. I begged him to stop. I even cried at some point. He told me he had to “finish” and that I needed to hold him close to me. It was one of the most horrific moments in my life.

After it was said and done he gave me a maxi pad because I was bleeding. My mother came to pick me up, and I never spoke of it again. I saw the girl at school from time to time. We were never friends to begin with so nothing came of the matter.

I told this story to say this; you are not your past. You can be healed from the past, especially if you can forgive yourself and others. I am much wiser since the days of my youth. I may not have been smart every day but, I’ve been smart enough not to let the past define me as a person. I am whole, I am warm, and I am alive…in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Self Love = The Best Love

Knowing the importance of a good self image is essential to any relationship that you try to maintain, be it; your significant other/lover, family, friends, and co-workers. Is it so easy for people who have no trouble in this department to condemn or dismiss those of us that do have issues. A lot of times you will see these same superior minded folks passing out mandates about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. They give little thought or care to what is actually behind the misbehavior of a deviant.

I imagine that everyone has been bullied or made to feel less than dirt at some point or another. Perhaps there are some that have less trouble dusting themselves off, or they never allow it to internalize. A continuous question that has often run through my mind is; if everyone always tells you that you are ugly, how are you to know if you are not?

I’ve been told that inner beauty far outweighs physical splendor. Yet, a person who is deemed unattractive aesthetically will have a rough go of things before they are praised for any inner qualities they might posses. There lies the constant challenge of remaining unscathed from being belittled.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? I can’t honestly say for myself. I mean sometimes it varies. I won’t say that I take myself apart on a daily basis but, on most occasions when I’m standing in front of the mirror I tend to gaze right past my reflection. Other times the person I see in front me is not my actual self but, rather the person I’d like to be; or the person that I think others would deem worthy.

I have to constantly remind myself to remind myself that it is alright for me to be “just me”. I am far from perfect but, at least I know that I’m a work in progress. That progress is what can help me accept who I am on any given Sunday. In that respect it should not matter one bit how other people see me. I know what is in my heart and what I have going on. Yes, I DO got it going on!

At The Scene of The Crime

Holding on to the past can lock you in a place of bondage and keep you from the freedom of having a better future. This is something that I have heard pretty much all of my life. It goes right along with the rule of forgiveness. Forgiving a trespass can release you from the pain of the past. Yes, I know this. I still had a hard time following through with it. When I finally was able to do so, I was amazed at the results.

I met a young man years ago, during a time when my heart was wandering and searching for love. We had the element of insta-connect going on. I believe we were both in the same place of desperately needing to be loved. I tried my hardest to keep him. I went all out and bent over backwards to make him happy. Many of my friends wondered why I would bother with him because he was not on my same level; mentally, spiritually, etc. Still I went through with the deal to prove that I was a loyal and faithful person. I took him home to meet my folks, which is something that I had never done.

Right after we returned from visiting my family he became distant. I allowed him to have his space and didn’t push the matter. I had no idea what he was doing behind my back. Apparently he decided to drop me and take up with someone else. He wasn’t man enough to tell me to my face. When he finally decided to man-up and confront me with the issue, he cowardly justified his actions by trying to say that he “heard” rumors about me. None of the rumors were true and he knew it.

I was already devastated at the way we broke up. Then I found out that I was pregnant. My world had spun out of control. He had the nerve to demand that I take a pregnancy test in front of him, as if I needed a reason to lie. His new chick wanted to fight me; for what I have no idea. My humiliation was rather public because we all worked together. Everyone knew our business.

One night I prayed to God like I'd never prayed before. My grief was so overwhelming. Not only my heart but, my spirit was broken. I tried to run away but, I knew it was impossible. I cried and prayed until there was nothing left to say on the matter. Shortly after that I had a miscarriage. At first I was deeply distraught over it. Then I came to the conclusion that God’s will had intervened. I felt like I had been in a terrible car accident, and with God’s grace I was able to walk away relatively unscathed.

As time went on I had no idea that I hadn’t emotionally released myself from the scene of the crime. I had scars that were hidden. Somehow they would manifest themselves whenever I least expected it. I guess you could say that I had a crippled heart. Sometimes I think I loved with a limp. I thought time was what healed all wounds.

Recently I came into contact with this man. From what I could tell he hadn’t change much from when we were younger. He was still clueless and self relevant. At first I approached him with a friendly kind of banter. He was receptive and returned the same conversation. After a while I realized that I couldn’t beat around the bush. I wrote him a letter and told him exactly how I felt about how he dealt me dirty. He was more than just a little defensive and even pissed off about what I said. He did everything but admit his guilt and gave a half ass apology. It hit me like a bolt of lightning; this man never cared anything for me to begin with.

At first I was offended at his dismissal of the great pain he had caused me. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that I had been carrying this great burden in my heart, and for him it wasn’t even a blip on his radar. Then I let it go and I was finally free. Just like that I was no longer weighed down with this tremendous source of pain. I thank God that he did me a favor by not allowing me to be tied down to that sorry excuse for a man!

What are you holding onto? Who is it that is in your past that you’ve allowed to hold power over your present and future? Not everyone gets to confront their abuser. It’s all the same if that person can’t admit that they were a jerk and shouldn’t have wronged you. Let it all go and let God heal you. Walk away from the scene of whatever horrific crime has held you captive and move into the future with God’s grace. He looks beyond our faults to meet our needs.

The Evolution of the Black Woman

For as long as I can remember, the plight of black women has been somewhat of a depressing tale. I suppose it is lovely to hear stories about African queens, protected wives, and cherished mothers. Then the harsh realities of slavery kick in, and we are left to scornfully listen to the hardships that these women had to endure. The daughters of royalty suddenly became slaves to white people and even their own black men. If black men were considered “nothing” during those times, then black women were less than that. Not only were they severely mistreated, but they were violated in every way imaginable. These women were beaten, raped, and forced to bare children by any man who took them. They had no rights or say so in how their lives were lived or ended.

 During the late 50’s and early 60’s the Civil Rights movement began, and black women reclaimed some of their power. These women were able to take a bigger stance against inequality and demand justice. This period is considered to be the second wave in the Feminist Movement. Women wanted to see changes in social attitudes as well as economic, reproductive, and educational equality. The new feminist movement brought about economic equality, political power, professional equality, and reproductive freedom.  

The 80’s and 90’s provided an era where black women were not only the primary bread winners, heads of their household, but also more independent than ever. Black men and women became inducted into corporate America. Somewhere during this time black women began a premise that they didn’t need a man to be successful, especially not a black one. Many black women began to detach themselves from the idea that they needed to get married and have a man take care of them. This became true because in reality many black men were not taking care of their women and children to begin with.

Unfortunately while black women were achieving all their success and great strides, there came a deep rooted resentment for them. This age of independence also left a stereotypical mark on black women that they are; aggressive, domineering, and self-important. I believe that in certain parts of society black woman are still deemed as less than everyone else when going down the food chain of humanity.

In the late 90’s there began the era of “hip hop” culture. Somehow black men went from having a moderate level of respect for black women to calling them “bitches and ho’s”. The media had a field day with providing music and images of black women as strippers and prostitutes on welfare. The degradation of black women took its toll. Many young women had forgotten all that was accomplished during the Civil Rights era and began to embrace that way of thinking. This created a divided line for women who chose to continue the efforts that were won during the movements and women who supported pop culture and everything that comes along with it.

Somehow as united black people we need to come to a place where we can embrace each other from the times of the struggle to where we are now. In this day and age it is really hard to find positive images of black women. African Americans have made great strides, especially since we have gained our first black president. Hopefully this will not cause a greater rift in our men and women. An even greater accomplishment perhaps would be if suddenly one day we all found ourselves on the same playing field, regardless of race/sex/gender.

Despicable Me

My negative assessment of my adult misbehavior comes from three different places. The first of course is my mother’s opinion of me. The second is my awareness of right and wrong. The third is from being raised as a Christian and knowing what the Bible says about sin. Having those three clouds over my head has caused me to be extra critical of myself and my actions.

My mother never made it a mandate not to have sex before marriage, even though the Bible teaches against fornication. The subject of marriage rarely came up in my household. My mother had such a rough go of it; I think her faith in marriage was shattered. I always assumed that in order to be in love sex was a requirement and that marriage would come as a result of it. After having no luck with sex and relationships, I knew that I was doing something wrong. Still I continued to do it anyway. The fear of going to hell for my sins was something that ate away at me. I knew I was doing wrong but, I felt that it would be cruel for God to punish me for just trying to find the love that other people so easily find every day.

I definitely would not call myself a devout Christian. I certainly have not dedicated my life in the way that my mother and aunt have. I have always felt guilty that I was not as close to God as they were. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me and that was the reason God had not reached out to me the way he has with them. I hold on to the little bit of faith that I have because it is all that I know. I feel that I am mostly connected to God through my mother. I think that it has been her faith and prayers that have guided me along in my life, and not my own. Still, I do not know if God heard me when I prayed to him as a child. I would like to think so.

The Miseducation of Sex

The introduction of sex and sexuality was probably the biggest thing that came out of my teenage experience. Up until that time I had only limited perception of any of it. I remember as a child flipping through the pages of my mother’s book The Joy of Sex and also trying to stay up late to watch a soft-core movie on cable. Other than that, there was only the “sex talk” that came from health class. My mother and I to this day have never discussed anything on the subject. Ironically, her mother never talked to her. She didn’t even realize that she was pregnant with my eldest brother until my grandmother took her to the doctor.

Having sex or a baby didn’t seem real to me until I saw children my age doing it. Everyone seemed so natural and nonchalant about it. When I was in 8^th grade there were several pregnant girls that were in my class. They didn’t seem scared or bothered by it. The faculty seemed even less attentive to the situation. The girls made it sound like it might be fun to have a baby. They were looking forward to coming up with colorful names and dressing the child in the latest gear. My aunt had a neighbor; a young girl of eighteen years old. The girl was kind to me and often invited me over. In my mind I thought this girl was awesome. Eighteen seemed old to me but, I had no idea that it is really young. She was barely a child herself and she already had three children. Her eldest child lived with her father and stepmother. She had a one year old daughter and had just spit out a brand new baby boy. She was just out of high school, with no real job experience, and no man to help.  Looking back on that girl, I now realize that her life was practically doomed. Somehow I managed to emulate some of her mistakes later on in my life. It is the amount of sexual exposure, plus the lack of self esteem, minus real sex education that brings many girls like us into those situations.

When the issue of boys came up I was ill prepared for the subject. All my life, I had only been use to boys making fun of me and pretty much finding me repulsive. I can’t recall how it came about that the boys like Elliott Williams, and others, came to fancy me in the least. I remember feeling grateful and addicted to being with them. It did bother me that they shunned me at school but, not enough to keep them away when they wanted me. Even though I desired it, I never felt like I was worth the trouble of flaunting a public relationship. In my mind I could pretend that I was. I never questioned any of them or told them how I felt. It was all about pleasing them so they would come back to me. Regrettably, I have spent my entire adulthood making that same mistake and living that lie.

My Marriage Fantasy

I’m not sure that I believe in love or even understand it. The notion reminds me of how when I was in grade school and how I was never able to grasp the concept of mathematics. I looked all around and everyone else seemed to “get it”. To this day I try to stay away from anything that has to do with numeric problem solving. I always wanted someone to love me, but now I am beginning to question whether I am capable of giving love in return. I know that love is more than just physical attraction. What I don’t know is whether deeply caring for someone is the same thing as being in love.

Marriage and family are popular subjects for serious couples. The vision in my mind is of a family backyard barbecue. I see the dad happily humming to himself at the grill, the mom humming the same tune while setting the table, and the kids playing in the yard. I’m not sure if this really happened in my own life or if I made it up somewhere. My parents split when I was fairly young, and before that my father was hardly around. I have no idea what a real solid marriage looks like. My mother never remarried and my father is working on his 4^th marriage (last time I heard). I have a significant other who wants to get married. Sometimes I fantasize about us being like the Huxtables. Other times I suffer from severe panic attacks whenever he brings me a brochure with wedding rings. I suppose I can’t believe that anyone would want to marry me. Even my own family questioned his judgment by cautioning him that I can’t cook. It is true that we share a child together and he has long declared himself the father of my older children. I was married once before. Neither one of us was truly committed to the cause. We both threw in the towel before there was even a fight. Everyone has their own ideas about marriage and family that were developed from past experiences. I do want to be married, especially because my religion dictates it as necessary. I just wonder if I will ever get to the point when I am truly ready for it to actually happen.

In Love and War

What is “love” in a committed relationship? After the bliss from the lust of the flesh melts away, one is left to ponder if the stock in the bone structure is enough to carry them the rest of the way. The once seemingly magnetic charms and romantic antics are replaced with child like emotional handicaps and customary politeness. In this instance of “self check” mode a list of good and bad comes into play. Other questions parade the mind like: how good is “good” or can we live with the bad? Is this someone that I can sit next to and feel open with, or do I feel the need to shut down and get as far away as I can? If there is a rift between us, can it be mended in a timely manner or am I too prideful to fix it? You can’t change people, and certainly don’t want to be changed by anyone in return. When two people look at life through different perspectives how can they come together to find common ground?  

Sometimes people just do whatever it takes to go through the motions of running the mechanics of the relationship. Perhaps the fear of ending up alone leaves room for agreeability and contentment. Other times people cling to the appreciation of actually having someone to be in a relationship with. There is an overwhelming sense of gratitude that is outlined by personal insecurities and rejection.

In any relationship one stands to lose a great deal if they hold onto things like, self preservation and itemize each wrong done to them. A committed relationship involves unity. No one wants to completely lose themselves inside this union. Stubborn people might find that they are reaching out to each other with lines drawn in the sand. It would be impossible for the relationship to grow under those circumstances. If neither partner is ready to call it quits they might experience a “cease fire” for a moment, until something else brings the feud back on.

The only chance a couple has to survive is to not allow the petty bickering to dictate or define the relationship. Trust and faith fall into play here. It is also a good idea not to focus so much on the flaws and negative sides of the partner. Committed relationships are meant to bring out the best in each partner and to allow growth within the imperfections.