Confessions of a Hope/less Romantic

I have always wanted to be in love. I suppose that I had never truly taken the time to consider how badly it effected me when it was not reciprocated. I took the time to ponder this after my significant other told me how moved he was by a new song by R. Kelly. The synopsis of the song is about how Mr. Kelly was once in a relationship that ended because while the woman was "madly" in love with him, he was not with her. Months after the break up he began to miss her and even dared to put himself in her shoes. He came to love her too late.

At first I took the scenario lightly (given R. Kelly's rap sheet as a womanizer), but when my man said that this song was his new favorite hit I became annoyed. I immediately knew he liked the tune because it was something he could very much relate to. At first I thought I was annoyed because I knew that he was not moved by a situation that happend with me or us. I can honestly or dishonestly say that I have never been "madly" in love with him. In any case, he was talking about what went down with his ex-wife. She was in love with him and he didn't treat her right. I know he is regretful about the mistakes he made with her. Then it hit me; I wasn't ticked because he was thinking of his ex.

I was pissed that no one had ever thought of me in the same regard.
I called myself "in love" on plenty of occassions. Half of my relationships with men have either been non-existant or never reciprocated. There was one guy who I guess we can say really got the better of me. He is the measuring point for my lowest of lows. When I finally got the chance to confront him about it, he seemed completely clueless to the great amount of pain that he caused me. He apologized, but it wasn't in the form of deep regret or remorse. I came to the conclusion that most of the men in my life never gave a damn about me.

The relationship that I'm in now is the longest and actual only meaningful one to date. The problem is that is comes with brick walls and grey areas. If I chose to, I could recall a time when I was 100% down for the cause. I was in it to win it. There were high hopes and great expectations. All of that went away when I found myself drowning in disappointment and despair. I get that no relationship is perfect, and I even know the 80/20 rule. I accept the thing for what it is. I just basically run on auto pilot. I know how to adjust and manuver in any given situation. I know my role; a mother, friend, listener, and part time lover.

At the end of my thought process I began to wonder one thing; is it better not to have any expectation, so there would be no disappointment...or is that just setting yourself up for failure because there is never a demand for improvement? It would be a shame if this relationship were to really end and either one of us were left with nothing more than "shudda, wudda, cudda".

Romance is For Suckas

Please don't bring me flowers; I just wanna fuck. Let's face it, in this economy it costs a small fortune for all that swooning shit. If you're in an established relationship the most it'll cost you to get laid is roughly 10-25 mins., depending on how committed you are to the cause. That's why I say that all that bullshit stuff in romance novels is for the birds. Throw me a "bone' and I'll be one happy heifer. It has occured to me that perhaps not all relationships are built on the same stack of lies, false pretenses, and over estimations. The one I'm in sure as hell is. Once you're groomed in that manner, you're pretty much doomed to stay in the same rut and are destined to be jaded from here on out. I don't feel like I'm bitter. I'm just being realistic. If anybody could find me one actual real life relationship that is remotely similar to what is seen in movies, let me know. I'd sure as hell like to see with my own eyes how that works....but I'm no sucka!

Overcoming the Jungle in My Mind

I haven’t had my hair relaxed in roughly a month and a half. My hair follicles or “new growth” are locked into tiny little curls. They told me at the salon that I have that “good stuff”, but if you tried to run a comb or even your hand through there’d be a traffic jam. In a way, the thoughts in my mind are locked just like the swirls in my hair. It’s a jungle in there.
Pretty soon I will go ahead and get a relaxed perm for my hair to process the curls and make it manageable. The purpose of this blog is to sift through the thoughts in my head, process them, and make my life manageable too. Even though my life seems like it’s running in slow motion, my dreams and desires are going so fast that they are all tangled up. I don’t know which part is fantasy or what I really want.
I’m at a point where self definition is very important to me. I’m a mother, lover, daughter, sister, and best friend. I have all my relationships established, but I have a hard time decoding my true “self” away from all of them. I feel like I always put myself on the backburner in order to fulfill my role(s). When I’m alone or sleeping I am constantly thinking about the person I want to be. I don’t know how to get there, I just know that by doing so I can become a more effective person and have better relationships.
Throughout my life I’ve been told that God has a plan for everyone. I’m not a devout believer, but I do have enough faith to know that my life is guided by the hand of God in many capacities. Sometimes in my dreams I find myself (literally) crying out to him to help me find my way. This is a painful process (almost as painful as getting a hair relaxer). When I wake my face is moist from my tears. This is something that truly haunts me.
I look to heaven to show me a sign of what my steps should be. I have walked in darkness feeling my way around life for years. How can I be any good to others if I feel so empty and lost all the time? My dreams are a sign of something. Even though they are mixed in with my desires, I know that they tell a story about me as a person. They shed a little light on the person that I am suppose to be, perhaps who I am becoming. Time will tell.

Living Inside My Head

Inside my head everything is alright
Inside my mind I'm no longer standing at start

I roam through my day wishing you could know just how it feels to be all alone
My sadness I keep within, because it's too much to ask you to bare

I'd love just for once to have my dreams come true
I promise not to waste a moment second guessing my life away

It is a gift to have things go your way
Nobody knows the trouble I see, not really, no one but me

Looking down the road is a long way to the finish line
I pray I find the strength to keep pushing on

When Love Ain't On The Menu

I’m beginning to lose hope in the way we “relate” to each other. The hit or miss scenario is getting old. I feel like there is no real purpose in reaching out to him. On one hand my body craves affection and attention. On the other, I know that I will come up lacking in one department or another. We’ve fallen into a rut, and it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll come out. The promise of keeping things fresh and alive seems to be far more demanding than what was expected. I find myself looking at the option of how to become a cheat. I don’t necessarily want to be with another. Maybe it can serve as a wakeup call for both of us. We are not lovers, nowhere near friends with benefits, and borderline of being platonic. I guess it’s true that when you can’t have it your way at one spot, you’ll make a way to get it at another.

Trains and Pains, and Things

What we have is beyond a culture clash, it’s unacceptable. Some simple truths have a way of breaking through. I’m not even mad, I totally get it. The writing’s been on the wall. It’s time to call the spade for what he is. I can’t say that I didn’t try; I needed to know without a doubt. It’s quite possible that some people were meant to be alone. What’s the point of “having” someone if you can’t have a happy home? I have no interest in trying to change a man who is completely content with the way he is. In fact, I admire that about him. That’s why I’m prepared to let it go, so he can be himself with no apologies. This here is a train wreck, and I’m getting off. There’s no way I can muscle my way through to a better tomorrow. It is what it is. I’m done digging my heels in quick sand. I’m all out of hope, so there’s only one option. My heart is no longer open and my mind is unavailable. At the end of the day I can live without this man. No more pretending, because that’s not me. That’s not the way a relationship should ever have to be. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I’m down for the count, that thing’s for sure. I look to heaven to make this thing right. It’s not like I gave in without a fight. I just don’t see the point in going in circles. I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I know I can’t take this anymore. I’m so empty, I can’t even cry. I don’t like to sleep with him, so I stay up half the night. My goal is to not let things go from bad to worse. I think we can dally in a comfortable silence. There’s no need to make a scene or to shout about it. That’s not my style. I can be cool about it. I have a feeling that the opportunity will come for a clean break. I will wait for it, because it’s the chance that I’m going to take. The signs will be there for when I make my move. I just have to be patient. I will do as much.

Cloudy Love With a Chance of Rain

Yea I got a ring, but I ain’t happy tho. There’s so many bullet holes in the cloak, it ain’t wearable. Too bad the steam engine puffed up the hill, but he ain’t make it tho. What are my options? Wake up and face being all alone or suck it up and be miserable? I’m chasing a dream, and it’s a nightmare. Funny how the truth slaps the taste right out your mouth. In reality, almost doesn’t count. What’s the point of a rainbow if there’s no pot of gold? It’s like a mirage of a promise that’s so beautiful. Being in this relationship is like waiting for a storm to pass. I would cry, but my tears would probably freeze on my face…cuz my heart is cold. My body’s numb from walking in limbo. I grieve deeply cuz I ain’t ask for this. When did the other half of fifty turn to thirty percent? I knew it was over, like a while ago. I’m just running on fumes ‘til the weather breaks….or I do first.

The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Over the years I’ve heard mention of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Even though I knew it was a true story, I never imagined how real it was. It blows my mind to think that there are people around who pretend to be something other than who they really are for one reason or another. It makes me wonder; how hard is it to pretend that you’re good?

I suppose that I can say that I am the kind of person who looks for the good in others. I certainly try not to make a habit of obsessing on the negatives. I know people who have done bad things, including myself. I don’t hold it against them. Everyone has the opportunity to change and turn over a new leaf. Why then would anyone pretend to walk the line?

I met a real wolf who is still pretending that be a sheep. He has no idea that I know what the deal is. One can only pretend for so long before they slip up and show their real self. I think that somewhere in their youth, this person decided to embrace darkness. Now they have a black heart and their soul is empty. I can’t be with someone like this.

I tried to help this person out; give them a life line. Of course I did it for my own selfish reason, but ultimately I wanted to help. I could not figure out why they were so content with how they are. Then it hit me that this person hasn’t changed in all these years and doesn’t want to. Somewhere their emotional development stopped taking place and they are stuck right in the same spot.

I could not see past what I wanted and reached out to this person. They gave me a good bill of sales, which turned out to be all lies. They presented themselves one way, when in truth they are nothing like that and probably will never be. I’m not interested in trying to change this man into the person that I need him to be. He has a rebellious spirit that cannot be tamed.  I don’t want to be tied down or yoked up with someone who has so many issues. He doesn’t want to work on himself. He’d rather present a mirage than to do the leg work. He’s too old for that and too young to just quit on himself. I still care for him, but I know that I cannot help him. I’d just be adding extra pain and headaches to my already melodramatic life. I use to pray for indifference. Now I pray for independence.

Win-Win

He had the nerve to ask me what I wanted from him. As if I had been unappreciative of his very best. I didn’t answer right away. It wasn’t as simple as one little thing. In fact, there’s a running list. Even though it keeps going, I’m speechless.

It’s another Friday night; though Fridays don’t differ much from any other night. I’m up alone…waiting. Waiting for him to pay me some mind. He says that he that he does pay me attention. Even though it’s usually bits and pieces, here and there in between whatever show he’s watching. I try to strike up some kind of conversation. Sometimes I’m lucky and can get more than a yes or no answer. Other times I have concede to whatever has captivated his attention away from me. After that is all said and done, he will take a “nap”, which probably means he has turned in for the evening.

I sit here typing this and trying not to cry. Oh hell, I will go ahead and shed a few. They say tears cleanse the soul. I don’t think my soul needs cleansing as much as my heart needs consolation. All of this has got me wishing. I wish that things were different. I wish that I were different so that things like this wouldn’t happen to me.

A year ago when we were physically separated from each other, I never imagined that it would somehow feel the same. He is still distant, and I’m still not getting what I want. Attention. That’s all I want. 100% purely undivided attention, just for a little while. Why is that so hard or inconceivable?

Maybe I need to do what I did before and find someone else who will. That got his attention. I know my boundaries. I also know that a little harmless conversation couldn’t hurt anything. I feel like if I got what I needed elsewhere, I wouldn’t have to bug him with my shit. That way everyone could be happy! A total win-win situation.

Insult to Injury

Over the years I have encountered a small problem with my left knee. Without warning it is subject to just “give out”. This is not only a painful experience, but a surprising one as well. A healthy person should never have to question the stability of her legs. The legs are there for support, which makes them very important.

Ironically, my relationship has fallen into the same kind of category of being unstable. Things can be going fine, and then without warning there is a blow out. I don’t understand this anymore than I understand the problem with my knee. It makes me curious as to what I am doing wrong. The problem has to be with me right?

I have never been in a long term relationship, so I don’t know the dos and don’ts or ins and outs. I wouldn’t say that I’m just going along for the ride. I’ve really grown a lot in all this time. Still, it hurts my heart just as bad as it hurts my knee when things go wrong.

Unlike with my knee, I could run a whole list of reasons things are going so badly in my relationship. For starts, the communication sucks. Neither one of us have been good about being open, up front. And even honest. I lamented earlier about how passionless the sex can be. It’s like the relationship barely has a pulse. I suppose we are running off of fumes. We have a family and responsibilities, so it’s not like we can just walk away.

Right now where we stand is unappealing, unhappy, unsatisfying, and most of all unstable. I am stuck with my legs and my bad knee for the rest of my life. Can I say the same about this relationship? No one should be staring out the window, wishing on a star that things could be different. After a while I will get to the point where I will name what those “things” are. Once I identify them, perhaps my heart will lean towards them instead of what I have now.

Letter To Juliet

It’s amazing how you can watch a sappy romantic movie or read a book and feel gratified and sad at the same time. It’s kind of like trying to satisfy a craving that never ends. If I went to Verona and wrote a letter to Juliet, I suppose I would ask her why is it that my life lacks romance? I don’t necessarily need my man to climb on a balcony and profess his undying love for me. It would be nice to go for a long stroll holding hands, or just to be held until I drifted off to sleep.

Every now and then I am allotted what could be considered romantic gestures. I realize that everyone has their own idea about what true romance entails. Who wants to be involved in a passionless, lack-luster relationship? I’ve tried to write romance novels, yet they somehow turn up incomplete. Without a well to draw from I have no canvass to display my work. Nothing like that goes on in my own life. Perhaps it is hard for me to imagine anything of the sort.

Should I leave little hints? Or perhaps I should beg. I wonder what it would take to get that kind of thing going in my life. Maybe I should do some light reading on sprucing up my love life. Obviously nothing interesting is going to happen in the bedroom if the mood isn’t right. Lust can only carry you so far.

We have only been together for a little while, and we are already in Snoozeville. There is no mystery, surprise, or romance. Just blah, less than ordinary, and mundane. Where do we go from here? I’m already looking out my window wishing on a star that it could be different. How sad.

What do you suggest, Juliet?

Breaking Free

There was a girl that I once knew; she was lonely and sad all the time.

The girl that I knew, she was once me.

I’m not the same person that I used to be.

Thank God I’m free!

There was a girl that I used to know; she was walked over like dirt on the floor.

That same girl lives here no more.

I’m not the same person that I used to be.

Thank God I’m free!

There was this little girl I used to see; she had no voice.

That same girl found that in time she could speak her own mind.

I’m not the same person that I used to be.

Thank God I’m free!

Ocean of Love or Sea of Regret?

Life has a funny way of playing tricks on you. As a self-proclaimed “relationship advice columnist” I don’t decree to have all the answers. I just take the knowledge that I learn and share it as it comes to me. Sometimes I am well seasoned in my assertions and other times I am literally discovering it as my fingers hit the key board. Life is an eternal learning process. I am open and grateful to the Holy Spirit as he guides me.

I always want to be upfront and honest about who I am and what goes on in my life. How can I bring deliverance to myself and others if I’m not? My blog isn’t about releasing skeletons of old and new out of my closet. It is an open forum for me to be real, probably more real than I am in person.

The dilemma that I face right now is whether I am swimming in the lavish ocean of love or drowning in the deep sea of regret. I believe that I love my partner with all my heart. When he’s on point he can be so loving to a point that it moves me. Other times he can be so cold and distant that causes me to take pause. Another issue; (the big ugly ass elephant that keeps blocking our relationship), I don’t like the way he treats my eldest son.

I often think about how things were when we first met. He was so sweet and eager to please. I know that virtually everyone is like that in the beginning. When he met my son, he was so kind and warm to him that it touched my heart. Somewhere along the way they fell out. My son was and still is territorial; that’s just the Alpha Male in him wanting to protect his mommy.

One day we were all sitting around watching television and my son told my partner to shut up. I reprimanded the boy for being rude and thought little more of it. My partner was offended at both me and my son. He felt that I should have done more to punish the boy, and said that back when he was a child he would have been slapped in the mouth for such disrespect to an adult.

I don’t believe in extreme corporal punishment, and slapping a child for any reason is uncalled for. We fell out over it. That was a few years ago, but ever since my guys have been butting heads. It grieves me to no end because I was raised that a mother should never choose anyone or anything over her children. I agree and I won’t.

In my partner’s small defense, he was mistreated by his father as a child. In my opinion they had, and still have, a very dysfunctional relationship. I would think that this man would want to do better by his children, instead of emulate the same kind of emotional abuse. I never had a permanent father figure in my life. I don’t want to rob my children of having a dad, but I feel like I could go either way with it.

My partner can be so immature and childlike. Only children take a defensive or victim’s mentality when facing criticism. The adult thing to do would be to accept the criticism, try to see if there is any truth to it, and make the necessary changes. This man also has the mentality to believe that just because he is the adult he is either right and/or his judgment should not be questioned by the child.

Whenever he and the boy fall out, and it is quite often, he gets angry with me for taking my son’s side. I don’t always take my son’s side. I’m not blind, and call it when he is clearly in the wrong. Then my partner can never limit his angered towards the even at hand. He likes to bring up “every time” that something has gone wrong. It is insane.

I feel that since he is the adult he should be the bigger person in every situation, to show the boy how to be a real man. Instead, he shuts down and recedes like a child who can’t have his way. How can I respect a man who acts like that?

He doesn’t see it, but he treats my eldest son different from the other children. For some reason he has slightly more patience with them. When he’s in his cold mode he is equally dismissive of them all. His remedy for getting along with the eldest child is to not speak to him or deal with him. What kind of parent does that?

I have told him repeatedly that I will not allow him to bruise my son’s spirit. I didn’t like everything that my parents did to me as a child. I make up for it by making an effort not to do those things to my own. He does the opposite. Granted, I have had more experience in parenting than him. Babysitting your brother, sister, nieces and nephews is hardly on the same caliber.

This man came into this relationship knowing that there were children involved. I expect more from him. I don’t expect him to be perfect. I just expect him to allow this process to help him grow the hell up. So far he is failing in this department. I don’t want there to be a major rift in my family because of it.

I love this man deeply, but I have one foot out the door. I will never choose him over my children. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than to allow this to continue. I’ve told him this a numerous amount of times. Each time he claims that he has heard my petition and will make amends. Then something goes wrong and we are right back at square one.

I pray that he will have an awakening in his heart. Things will not get better now or over time if he doesn’t. He will wind up on the outside looking in. Change is hard, but it’s a part of life and necessary.

Growing Pains

Why does it seem that some adults literally stopped growing emotionally? This is really baffling to me. There in front of me I see a grown up; well up in their years, acting like a child having a temper tantrum. I suppose in order to see or know this for sure one would have to spend a great deal of time around a child or children. It is easier to look over an actual child that acts this way.

These same people are quick to get angry and insist that they are “tired of being treated like a child”, yet they won’t admit to their stunted emotional growth. Like a child; these people are selfish and self relevant. They only concern themselves with how things affect them. They don’t have a lot of patience for others and have a small capacity for compassion. These same people have been told throughout their adulthood that they need to take lessons in sensitivity.

It’s so hard to be in a relationship with someone like this. No one is perfect, but this particular flaw makes for a lose/lose situation, especially if there are real children in the mix. How do you tell a grown up to grow the hell up? How do you pray for someone to change when they see nothing wrong with how they are?

I try to work on my flaws on a daily basis, I am not always successful. I know that not everyone does the same. In my situation, I keep having to have the same argument over and over again. A certain person is just not taking the hint. In so many words they say they will change, but nothing ever does. This is how I came to realize that people should really work on themselves and their personal issues before they call their self a spouse or a parent. If you are not willing to do the work from the inside out, nothing else matters.

It’s amazing how a man can go to work and give 110% with his hands and come home that evening and give 35-65 percent. Do you have to get paid to be on you P’s and Q’s? Is it too much to ask to step it up a notch?

I know that every father and husband can’t be like Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable; he’s not even real. The idea is phenomenal  though. Imagine having a man who is warm, sensitive, humorous, loving, and willing to dig in even after a long day at work. I also imagine that having a wife like Mrs. H. is dreamlike as well. I’m certainly no Clair, so I shouldn’t be wishing for Cliff. I just wonder if there is somewhere that we can meet in between.

The growing pains of relationships are meant to help everyone develop into better people. Why does it feel like it’s tearing me apart? I will pray for strength and wisdom. Only time will tell if it is in vain.

Love Worth Finding

My eldest son is quite an extraordinary young man. Ever since he was a baby he’s always seemed to have some kind of sway with the ladies. He would stare at them, kind of like the way a man stares at a woman he wants. I was often thrown off by this, especially when the women would respond to him. They would say things like; “I couldn’t get past the way he was staring at me”. They were flattered by it.

As time went on he became more transparent. If anyone brought a girl over to the house, my son would take off his shirt and proceed to demonstrate how manly he is by doing pushups. Once again, the girl/woman would be taken by his charms and completely flattered by his attempts to impress them.

He is in second grade now, and his school year is going very different than I expected. When I ask him about his day, he tells me about some little girl that he wants to be his girlfriend. At first I thought it was cute. When I was a schoolgirl there weren’t any boys who fancied me. My son even took the time to write a young lady a note. It went something like this: “Do you love me? I bet you do. If you love me, we can be together”. How sweet.

My son the Casanova; hasn’t had a lot of luck in the love department. Despite his good looks, boyish charms, and never ending stream of love letters his pursuits don’t always fan out. There was one girl that we had to buy a ring (pop) for, and another that we bought a box of chocolate cherries with a freshly picked flower. Even after his great efforts, the girls got away.

I don’t know how long the life span of a 2^nd grade crush is supposed to be. I just know that the girls briefly allow themselves to be spoiled by my son, and then, (as he puts it) dump him. Each and every time it happens my son is destroyed and we have to spend a great deal of time building his spirit back up.

Crushes come and go; this is a part of life. I always tell him that there will be plenty more girls. I do find it somewhat alarming at how serious he is about love and relationships at such a young age. My fear is that he is trying to fill some void by seeking the approval of a woman. The pain from rejection is enough to send anyone over the edge.

I pray that my family and I will be able to teach him to have enough self love so that nothing will be able to knock him off his center. My heart hurts for him. I just hope that I can reach him before he has a lifetime of grief, like me.

Did you know that if you do not love yourself, you are not able to receive or believe in God’s unconditional love? People spend their lives trying to connect with others just so they know the feeling of love. It all starts from within.

My son is young yet, and still has a ways to go in the school of hard knocks. I think he will be alright. God is watching and guiding over him every day. His situation just brought a powerful lesson to my heart that I wanted to share with you.

Love Thyself, Love Thy Life

Two women were sitting in a pizza shop. They both had ordered their own pies, and were about to dig in. One woman said to the other; “I can’t do this”! The other looked at her confused. She said; “I want to eat this pizza, but I had to unzip my pants just after looking at it.” Her friend looked in disbelief. She then asserted; “I have already gained like 10lbs extra, and I am beginning to have a little pooch belly”. The other woman laughed and asked her; “What does your man say about this? When you take off your clothes in front of him does he ask you to leave the room, or does he gaze at you in disgust”? She quietly shook her head no. Her wise friend continued; “Of course not. You know why; because he doesn’t care. He is in a room with the woman he loves, standing naked before him. He is in paradise”! A tear slid down the woman’s cheek. Her friend went on to further explain; “I have spent a lifetime feeling guilty about everything that I eat. I count calories, I am sure to do my crunches, etc. I decided to put an end to all that and just enjoy as much of every moment in life that I can. I’m not interested in becoming obese; I just don’t want to put so much effort into worrying about something that isn’t really a problem”.

What a novel idea! When I was a child, I was so skinny that people thought that I was being starved at home. I’m told I was pure ribs and boney legs. When I was an early teen we lived in a dangerous neighbor in Dallas, TX. My mother forbade me to go outside unless I was going to school or with my family. I spent two and half years practicing terrible eating habits and not getting any exercise.

When I went off to boot camp for the Army, my body was cut and fit like never before. When my unit deployed to Egypt, I maintained a strict diet of water and M.R.E.s (meal’s ready to eat) the entire time. After I got pregnant with my eldest son, all of that went out the window. Still, I was able to maintain a decent figure.

Last year I had this dead end, pond scum of a job. I held odd hours and fell back into my old habit of eating bad. Over the holidays I noticed that some extra weight had suddenly jumped on me. I realize that this isn’t from nowhere. I am over thirty, so my metabolism might be giving me some kind of sign.

I think I still have it going on for a woman who carried four children; all of them were well over 5lbs at birth. None of my clothes fit me right anymore. This is distressing to me because, I rarely shop for new clothes. It took me a while to accumulate what little wardrobe I do have. At first, I thought I was bugging out because I didn’t want to admit that I need to go up in pants size. Then I realized that I have to buy a whole new set of clothes, if I don’t want to continue to suck my gut in all day long.

I asked my man how he felt. He always says I look fine and don’t need to lose any weight. I hate it when he says that. I can’t believe that he is honestly still attracted to me. He hates it when I say that. My mind gets taxed over things like this. I am very self conscious about my appearance.

I even took to only making love in the dark. Then somewhere I just stopped wanting to have sex at all. I joined a hot yoga class, determined to sweat away my bulge. I tried walking on the trails every day, but with the sucky Washington weather it is impossible.

One day I decided enough with the fuss. I’m fortunate to be with a man who loves me for my mind, soul, and body. As far as he is concerned, I am the mother of his children and the apple of his eye. Knowing that alone makes me feel sexy. It isn’t just his approval that helps me to cope. I am finally coming to a place where I can accept me for me. This is regardless of if I am thin or not, if my hair is combed or not, and if my clothes fit or not. 

God created us in his image. When we love each other, we love God. I want to love God and need to love myself in order to get there. None of this is to say that I won’t continue to try and stay fit. I have four children and I live in a state with nothing but mountains and bike trails. Like the woman in the story, I will enjoy as much of every minute that I can. I will also stop worrying about things that aren’t really a problem.

That Girl

I am the poster girl for a life that no woman wants to have. I have lived through one of the oldest stories in the book. Girl meets guy, girl has sex with guy, and guy goes around bragging to everyone that he hit it, but never calls. Girl is labeled as a ho. Girl finds out she is pregnant and confronts guy. Guy denies being the father and tries to pretend that they never met.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me again after that, and again I will take all the blame. Why is it that the guy always gets to walk clean away, and the girl is left to bare the mark of her sins? None of my four pregnancies were planned. For three of them I was literally left holding the bag.

The first ended with a miscarriage and I was allowed to live down the error of my ways. The second gave me the precious gift of my first child and eldest son, so I can hardly be mad. When the third occurred, my doctor told me that God has an awesome sense of humor. Even though I love my beautiful twin girls, I hardly found it a laughing matter. My fourth pregnancy was fate making a mockery of my life. My dear Joshua came to me in spite of that fact that I took measures to permanently end getting pregnant.

Through all of my pregnancies I felt alone, and was most often humiliated for one reason or another. I love all my children with every drop of blood in my body, I just hated being pregnant. My last go round was going fine, but due to unforeseen circumstances the father and I was separated. For the amount of emotional distress and heavy heartedness that I have gone through, it’s amazing that I came out in one piece.

I’m so glad that part of my life is over. Of course if I had the chance I would do it all differently. I think that I would focus on trying to be a better person, instead of trying to get some man’s approval. I am aware of my mistakes and continue the process of trying to make my life better, for myself and my children.

Fortunately, I have the opportunity to right many wrongs and give my kids a chance at the life I never had. They have both a mother and father who work tirelessly to make sure they have a better go of things in their lives. This is not done by giving them materials, but by ensuring that they know the dos and don’ts that seemed to trap us.

I have come a long way from my meager beginnings. I still have a ways to go, but at least I’m not where I use to be. Perhaps even right now I am that girl that some women wish they could be.

Pandora's Box

Have you ever considered reading a guide or taking a class for love making? Right now there are so many options; advice columns, instructional classes, videos, etc. Back in the day there was either porn or trial and error. Since I’m not a prude, I applaud people who are brave enough to study up on the latest techniques.

When I think about most of my experiences I have to stop and laugh. I honestly can’t say that I even enjoyed the event itself; I was more grateful to have had the encounter than anything else. So basically, the point of me having sex wasn’t for my own physical pleasure but to say that I actually “did it”. Lame, I know.

My first actual encounter didn’t take place until I was eighteen. I was working on a show, and there was this cute boy with long dark brown hair and green eyes. I was smitten with him for weeks. One day I got the courage enough to go with him to his apartment. There was nothing romantic about what took place.

I came right out and told him I wanted to have sex with him. He told me that he was willing to oblige. There was about 4-5 minutes of awkward kissing, and then we went to his room. I undressed, he undressed, and from there everything went downhill. I told him I was a virgin. He admitted to me that he had just lost his virginity a week prior. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

After 3 minutes of intercourse, it was over and I went home. Even though there was no pleasure involved, I was stoked that I finally got that “monkey off my back”. This all happened around the Christmas holiday. A girl I knew from high school was home on break. We went to lunch and ironically, we both were eager to share that we were no longer virgins!

Her experience was no better than mine. We also shared the common thread of being the less attractive females, who thought we’d die, shriveled up old spinsters. I was glad that we shared our stories with each other. We were never really that close in high school. I felt it was meaningful that we had shared our moments.

For many years my sexual experiences didn’t improve past my first. In most cases they got worse. I began to wonder what was so great about sex to begin with. Most of the men that I was with didn’t care that I was not getting satisfied. I believe that I had gotten good at faking it. Sometimes I would just lie there and imagine that I was somewhere else until it was over. They never knew the difference. It was laughable again because all of these men bragged and boasted about their “abilities”.

I had my first orgasm at 29yrs old. I take that back; I had my first orgasm from intercourse at 29yrs old. Like I said, I’m no prude and feel no shame in talking about this. I came to realize that the best way to receive positive results was for me to explore my body on my own.

I thought that after that big first it would be like opening Pandora’s Box. That isn’t always the case. It’s not about the blame game. It’s just that I still have issues with myself and my sexuality. I realize that it might take a long time to undue all the years of damage. Fortunately, I have a patient and understanding partner.

I have an open mind and an open heart. Finally, I have the one element that has been missing all this time; a loving man. With that combination I know that I’m on the right path to ecstasy.

For The Lonely

Sometimes I think that there are certain people who are destined to be alone.  No matter how they try to remedy this problem it simply won’t go away. After a while, a small few give up and find contentment in their solitude. Others continue to find a solution.

Maybe there is nothing really wrong with being alone. Perhaps the problem is that people confuse “alone” with “loneliness”. From my own personal experiences I have been in the midst of many people and felt completely invisible. Loneliness can happen anywhere. I think that being alone and feeling lonely can be a lethal combination but, loneliness is the worse of the two.

There are benefits that can come from being alone. One should be able to find a level of comfort and openness. I feel that I am in my most natural state when I am alone. Embracing isolation has not always been my choice but, I have a sense of peace about it. Not everyone can say the same.

After years of trying to fit in and be liked by other people, I just decided to be cool with myself. There are some people who never dare to; go to the movies by themselves, dine alone, or even talk to their self. I have done all of the above and I don’t feel bad about any of it. I don’t say any of this to be boastful. I just understand the importance of finding value in my “alone time”.

I used to admire girls who always had a man or even friends for that matter. My life has hardly been as such. I can count on both hands how many actual boyfriends that I’ve had and even less for true friends. Even now that I am in a relationship, I still spend quite a lot of time alone. Perhaps this is my comfort zone that I am not willing to depart with.

For me, loneliness is the real issue. Loneliness has been a lifelong companion of mine. Could it be possible that I have spent so much time alone that I don’t know how to relate to people when they are around? It is such a strange notion to me to have someone by my side and still feel lonely. I just assumed that one would cancel out the other.

I have not been able to shake my lonely feelings and refuse to embrace them. I am not at a point of giving up. I just have to remember to keep trying and reaching out to whoever will receive me. I encourage anyone else to do the same.

Not Falling For The Hype

Why is it that certain folks feel the need to exaggerate when they brag about; how good of a lover they are, how much money they have, or how much sway they have with other people? Personally, I have never felt confident enough about myself to boast about much of anything. It’s not just the regular average Joes who do it. The media and the entertainment industries spend billions of dollars trying to get people to buy into the facade.

I was up in the early hours of the morning, flipping through the channels on TV. I stopped on a rap video channel. I have no idea who the rapper was or what he was rapping about, (nor do I care to) but, I noticed the style of his video. He was a rather large and fairly unattractive fellow. He had the nerve to be sitting on the beach with his shirt off. I was turned off by his obese grizzly looking features. I could do nothing but laugh when this bikini clad model chick came up a draped herself on top of him. I turned the channel.

I flipped through the cable channels on a full rotation and somehow came back to that same channel. Ironically, there was a new video with the same heavy weight unsightly man in it. This time he was driving an expensive sports car and had another model bimbo on the passenger side. He was sure to flash his bling to spice things up some more. They got out of the car and while he stood in a solid profile, once again his lady friend draped herself all over him…and the car.

Somehow the audience is supposed to believe that this man is so cool and he can have a romantic relationship with any pretty girl of his choice. The reality is that he would definitely have to buy a female like her. She was fake from head to toe. All weaved out, eyelashes, boobs, nails, and lord knows what else. The sad thing is that she was really nothing more than an accessory like; the car and the jewels.

The next video had two different rap guys in it but, the premise was still basically the same. They live in a tricked out mansion and had several beautiful female servants to wait on them hand and foot. The guys were not ugly but, they weren’t Denzel either. Yet these beautiful young women had nothing better to do with their day than throw themselves at whim of these rappers.

In the real world not too many people live that fantasy. Not everyone promotes such an extravagant false impression. I suppose the simpler the lie is, the less they’d have to cover their tracks when they fall short. I try my best to steer clear of calling people out for their short comings. It isn’t always easy though.

Perhaps false bravado is really a form of reversed psychology. Maybe if you tell yourself (and others) that you are this and you can do that, it will somehow be true. Or maybe not.