I have always wanted to be in love. I suppose that I had never truly taken the time to consider how badly it effected me when it was not reciprocated. I took the time to ponder this after my significant other told me how moved he was by a new song by R. Kelly. The synopsis of the song is about how Mr. Kelly was once in a relationship that ended because while the woman was "madly" in love with him, he was not with her. Months after the break up he began to miss her and even dared to put himself in her shoes. He came to love her too late.
At first I took the scenario lightly (given R. Kelly's rap sheet as a womanizer), but when my man said that this song was his new favorite hit I became annoyed. I immediately knew he liked the tune because it was something he could very much relate to. At first I thought I was annoyed because I knew that he was not moved by a situation that happend with me or us. I can honestly or dishonestly say that I have never been "madly" in love with him. In any case, he was talking about what went down with his ex-wife. She was in love with him and he didn't treat her right. I know he is regretful about the mistakes he made with her. Then it hit me; I wasn't ticked because he was thinking of his ex.
I was pissed that no one had ever thought of me in the same regard.
I called myself "in love" on plenty of occassions. Half of my relationships with men have either been non-existant or never reciprocated. There was one guy who I guess we can say really got the better of me. He is the measuring point for my lowest of lows. When I finally got the chance to confront him about it, he seemed completely clueless to the great amount of pain that he caused me. He apologized, but it wasn't in the form of deep regret or remorse. I came to the conclusion that most of the men in my life never gave a damn about me.
The relationship that I'm in now is the longest and actual only meaningful one to date. The problem is that is comes with brick walls and grey areas. If I chose to, I could recall a time when I was 100% down for the cause. I was in it to win it. There were high hopes and great expectations. All of that went away when I found myself drowning in disappointment and despair. I get that no relationship is perfect, and I even know the 80/20 rule. I accept the thing for what it is. I just basically run on auto pilot. I know how to adjust and manuver in any given situation. I know my role; a mother, friend, listener, and part time lover.
At the end of my thought process I began to wonder one thing; is it better not to have any expectation, so there would be no disappointment...or is that just setting yourself up for failure because there is never a demand for improvement? It would be a shame if this relationship were to really end and either one of us were left with nothing more than "shudda, wudda, cudda".
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