Overcoming the Jungle in My Mind

I haven’t had my hair relaxed in roughly a month and a half. My hair follicles or “new growth” are locked into tiny little curls. They told me at the salon that I have that “good stuff”, but if you tried to run a comb or even your hand through there’d be a traffic jam. In a way, the thoughts in my mind are locked just like the swirls in my hair. It’s a jungle in there.
Pretty soon I will go ahead and get a relaxed perm for my hair to process the curls and make it manageable. The purpose of this blog is to sift through the thoughts in my head, process them, and make my life manageable too. Even though my life seems like it’s running in slow motion, my dreams and desires are going so fast that they are all tangled up. I don’t know which part is fantasy or what I really want.
I’m at a point where self definition is very important to me. I’m a mother, lover, daughter, sister, and best friend. I have all my relationships established, but I have a hard time decoding my true “self” away from all of them. I feel like I always put myself on the backburner in order to fulfill my role(s). When I’m alone or sleeping I am constantly thinking about the person I want to be. I don’t know how to get there, I just know that by doing so I can become a more effective person and have better relationships.
Throughout my life I’ve been told that God has a plan for everyone. I’m not a devout believer, but I do have enough faith to know that my life is guided by the hand of God in many capacities. Sometimes in my dreams I find myself (literally) crying out to him to help me find my way. This is a painful process (almost as painful as getting a hair relaxer). When I wake my face is moist from my tears. This is something that truly haunts me.
I look to heaven to show me a sign of what my steps should be. I have walked in darkness feeling my way around life for years. How can I be any good to others if I feel so empty and lost all the time? My dreams are a sign of something. Even though they are mixed in with my desires, I know that they tell a story about me as a person. They shed a little light on the person that I am suppose to be, perhaps who I am becoming. Time will tell.