Overcoming the Jungle in My Mind

I haven’t had my hair relaxed in roughly a month and a half. My hair follicles or “new growth” are locked into tiny little curls. They told me at the salon that I have that “good stuff”, but if you tried to run a comb or even your hand through there’d be a traffic jam. In a way, the thoughts in my mind are locked just like the swirls in my hair. It’s a jungle in there.
Pretty soon I will go ahead and get a relaxed perm for my hair to process the curls and make it manageable. The purpose of this blog is to sift through the thoughts in my head, process them, and make my life manageable too. Even though my life seems like it’s running in slow motion, my dreams and desires are going so fast that they are all tangled up. I don’t know which part is fantasy or what I really want.
I’m at a point where self definition is very important to me. I’m a mother, lover, daughter, sister, and best friend. I have all my relationships established, but I have a hard time decoding my true “self” away from all of them. I feel like I always put myself on the backburner in order to fulfill my role(s). When I’m alone or sleeping I am constantly thinking about the person I want to be. I don’t know how to get there, I just know that by doing so I can become a more effective person and have better relationships.
Throughout my life I’ve been told that God has a plan for everyone. I’m not a devout believer, but I do have enough faith to know that my life is guided by the hand of God in many capacities. Sometimes in my dreams I find myself (literally) crying out to him to help me find my way. This is a painful process (almost as painful as getting a hair relaxer). When I wake my face is moist from my tears. This is something that truly haunts me.
I look to heaven to show me a sign of what my steps should be. I have walked in darkness feeling my way around life for years. How can I be any good to others if I feel so empty and lost all the time? My dreams are a sign of something. Even though they are mixed in with my desires, I know that they tell a story about me as a person. They shed a little light on the person that I am suppose to be, perhaps who I am becoming. Time will tell.

Living Inside My Head

Inside my head everything is alright
Inside my mind I'm no longer standing at start

I roam through my day wishing you could know just how it feels to be all alone
My sadness I keep within, because it's too much to ask you to bare

I'd love just for once to have my dreams come true
I promise not to waste a moment second guessing my life away

It is a gift to have things go your way
Nobody knows the trouble I see, not really, no one but me

Looking down the road is a long way to the finish line
I pray I find the strength to keep pushing on

When Love Ain't On The Menu

I’m beginning to lose hope in the way we “relate” to each other. The hit or miss scenario is getting old. I feel like there is no real purpose in reaching out to him. On one hand my body craves affection and attention. On the other, I know that I will come up lacking in one department or another. We’ve fallen into a rut, and it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll come out. The promise of keeping things fresh and alive seems to be far more demanding than what was expected. I find myself looking at the option of how to become a cheat. I don’t necessarily want to be with another. Maybe it can serve as a wakeup call for both of us. We are not lovers, nowhere near friends with benefits, and borderline of being platonic. I guess it’s true that when you can’t have it your way at one spot, you’ll make a way to get it at another.

Trains and Pains, and Things

What we have is beyond a culture clash, it’s unacceptable. Some simple truths have a way of breaking through. I’m not even mad, I totally get it. The writing’s been on the wall. It’s time to call the spade for what he is. I can’t say that I didn’t try; I needed to know without a doubt. It’s quite possible that some people were meant to be alone. What’s the point of “having” someone if you can’t have a happy home? I have no interest in trying to change a man who is completely content with the way he is. In fact, I admire that about him. That’s why I’m prepared to let it go, so he can be himself with no apologies. This here is a train wreck, and I’m getting off. There’s no way I can muscle my way through to a better tomorrow. It is what it is. I’m done digging my heels in quick sand. I’m all out of hope, so there’s only one option. My heart is no longer open and my mind is unavailable. At the end of the day I can live without this man. No more pretending, because that’s not me. That’s not the way a relationship should ever have to be. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I’m down for the count, that thing’s for sure. I look to heaven to make this thing right. It’s not like I gave in without a fight. I just don’t see the point in going in circles. I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I know I can’t take this anymore. I’m so empty, I can’t even cry. I don’t like to sleep with him, so I stay up half the night. My goal is to not let things go from bad to worse. I think we can dally in a comfortable silence. There’s no need to make a scene or to shout about it. That’s not my style. I can be cool about it. I have a feeling that the opportunity will come for a clean break. I will wait for it, because it’s the chance that I’m going to take. The signs will be there for when I make my move. I just have to be patient. I will do as much.

Cloudy Love With a Chance of Rain

Yea I got a ring, but I ain’t happy tho. There’s so many bullet holes in the cloak, it ain’t wearable. Too bad the steam engine puffed up the hill, but he ain’t make it tho. What are my options? Wake up and face being all alone or suck it up and be miserable? I’m chasing a dream, and it’s a nightmare. Funny how the truth slaps the taste right out your mouth. In reality, almost doesn’t count. What’s the point of a rainbow if there’s no pot of gold? It’s like a mirage of a promise that’s so beautiful. Being in this relationship is like waiting for a storm to pass. I would cry, but my tears would probably freeze on my face…cuz my heart is cold. My body’s numb from walking in limbo. I grieve deeply cuz I ain’t ask for this. When did the other half of fifty turn to thirty percent? I knew it was over, like a while ago. I’m just running on fumes ‘til the weather breaks….or I do first.

The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Over the years I’ve heard mention of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Even though I knew it was a true story, I never imagined how real it was. It blows my mind to think that there are people around who pretend to be something other than who they really are for one reason or another. It makes me wonder; how hard is it to pretend that you’re good?

I suppose that I can say that I am the kind of person who looks for the good in others. I certainly try not to make a habit of obsessing on the negatives. I know people who have done bad things, including myself. I don’t hold it against them. Everyone has the opportunity to change and turn over a new leaf. Why then would anyone pretend to walk the line?

I met a real wolf who is still pretending that be a sheep. He has no idea that I know what the deal is. One can only pretend for so long before they slip up and show their real self. I think that somewhere in their youth, this person decided to embrace darkness. Now they have a black heart and their soul is empty. I can’t be with someone like this.

I tried to help this person out; give them a life line. Of course I did it for my own selfish reason, but ultimately I wanted to help. I could not figure out why they were so content with how they are. Then it hit me that this person hasn’t changed in all these years and doesn’t want to. Somewhere their emotional development stopped taking place and they are stuck right in the same spot.

I could not see past what I wanted and reached out to this person. They gave me a good bill of sales, which turned out to be all lies. They presented themselves one way, when in truth they are nothing like that and probably will never be. I’m not interested in trying to change this man into the person that I need him to be. He has a rebellious spirit that cannot be tamed.  I don’t want to be tied down or yoked up with someone who has so many issues. He doesn’t want to work on himself. He’d rather present a mirage than to do the leg work. He’s too old for that and too young to just quit on himself. I still care for him, but I know that I cannot help him. I’d just be adding extra pain and headaches to my already melodramatic life. I use to pray for indifference. Now I pray for independence.

Win-Win

He had the nerve to ask me what I wanted from him. As if I had been unappreciative of his very best. I didn’t answer right away. It wasn’t as simple as one little thing. In fact, there’s a running list. Even though it keeps going, I’m speechless.

It’s another Friday night; though Fridays don’t differ much from any other night. I’m up alone…waiting. Waiting for him to pay me some mind. He says that he that he does pay me attention. Even though it’s usually bits and pieces, here and there in between whatever show he’s watching. I try to strike up some kind of conversation. Sometimes I’m lucky and can get more than a yes or no answer. Other times I have concede to whatever has captivated his attention away from me. After that is all said and done, he will take a “nap”, which probably means he has turned in for the evening.

I sit here typing this and trying not to cry. Oh hell, I will go ahead and shed a few. They say tears cleanse the soul. I don’t think my soul needs cleansing as much as my heart needs consolation. All of this has got me wishing. I wish that things were different. I wish that I were different so that things like this wouldn’t happen to me.

A year ago when we were physically separated from each other, I never imagined that it would somehow feel the same. He is still distant, and I’m still not getting what I want. Attention. That’s all I want. 100% purely undivided attention, just for a little while. Why is that so hard or inconceivable?

Maybe I need to do what I did before and find someone else who will. That got his attention. I know my boundaries. I also know that a little harmless conversation couldn’t hurt anything. I feel like if I got what I needed elsewhere, I wouldn’t have to bug him with my shit. That way everyone could be happy! A total win-win situation.