When Love Ain't On The Menu

I’m beginning to lose hope in the way we “relate” to each other. The hit or miss scenario is getting old. I feel like there is no real purpose in reaching out to him. On one hand my body craves affection and attention. On the other, I know that I will come up lacking in one department or another. We’ve fallen into a rut, and it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll come out. The promise of keeping things fresh and alive seems to be far more demanding than what was expected. I find myself looking at the option of how to become a cheat. I don’t necessarily want to be with another. Maybe it can serve as a wakeup call for both of us. We are not lovers, nowhere near friends with benefits, and borderline of being platonic. I guess it’s true that when you can’t have it your way at one spot, you’ll make a way to get it at another.

Trains and Pains, and Things

What we have is beyond a culture clash, it’s unacceptable. Some simple truths have a way of breaking through. I’m not even mad, I totally get it. The writing’s been on the wall. It’s time to call the spade for what he is. I can’t say that I didn’t try; I needed to know without a doubt. It’s quite possible that some people were meant to be alone. What’s the point of “having” someone if you can’t have a happy home? I have no interest in trying to change a man who is completely content with the way he is. In fact, I admire that about him. That’s why I’m prepared to let it go, so he can be himself with no apologies. This here is a train wreck, and I’m getting off. There’s no way I can muscle my way through to a better tomorrow. It is what it is. I’m done digging my heels in quick sand. I’m all out of hope, so there’s only one option. My heart is no longer open and my mind is unavailable. At the end of the day I can live without this man. No more pretending, because that’s not me. That’s not the way a relationship should ever have to be. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I’m down for the count, that thing’s for sure. I look to heaven to make this thing right. It’s not like I gave in without a fight. I just don’t see the point in going in circles. I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I know I can’t take this anymore. I’m so empty, I can’t even cry. I don’t like to sleep with him, so I stay up half the night. My goal is to not let things go from bad to worse. I think we can dally in a comfortable silence. There’s no need to make a scene or to shout about it. That’s not my style. I can be cool about it. I have a feeling that the opportunity will come for a clean break. I will wait for it, because it’s the chance that I’m going to take. The signs will be there for when I make my move. I just have to be patient. I will do as much.

Cloudy Love With a Chance of Rain

Yea I got a ring, but I ain’t happy tho. There’s so many bullet holes in the cloak, it ain’t wearable. Too bad the steam engine puffed up the hill, but he ain’t make it tho. What are my options? Wake up and face being all alone or suck it up and be miserable? I’m chasing a dream, and it’s a nightmare. Funny how the truth slaps the taste right out your mouth. In reality, almost doesn’t count. What’s the point of a rainbow if there’s no pot of gold? It’s like a mirage of a promise that’s so beautiful. Being in this relationship is like waiting for a storm to pass. I would cry, but my tears would probably freeze on my face…cuz my heart is cold. My body’s numb from walking in limbo. I grieve deeply cuz I ain’t ask for this. When did the other half of fifty turn to thirty percent? I knew it was over, like a while ago. I’m just running on fumes ‘til the weather breaks….or I do first.

The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Over the years I’ve heard mention of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Even though I knew it was a true story, I never imagined how real it was. It blows my mind to think that there are people around who pretend to be something other than who they really are for one reason or another. It makes me wonder; how hard is it to pretend that you’re good?

I suppose that I can say that I am the kind of person who looks for the good in others. I certainly try not to make a habit of obsessing on the negatives. I know people who have done bad things, including myself. I don’t hold it against them. Everyone has the opportunity to change and turn over a new leaf. Why then would anyone pretend to walk the line?

I met a real wolf who is still pretending that be a sheep. He has no idea that I know what the deal is. One can only pretend for so long before they slip up and show their real self. I think that somewhere in their youth, this person decided to embrace darkness. Now they have a black heart and their soul is empty. I can’t be with someone like this.

I tried to help this person out; give them a life line. Of course I did it for my own selfish reason, but ultimately I wanted to help. I could not figure out why they were so content with how they are. Then it hit me that this person hasn’t changed in all these years and doesn’t want to. Somewhere their emotional development stopped taking place and they are stuck right in the same spot.

I could not see past what I wanted and reached out to this person. They gave me a good bill of sales, which turned out to be all lies. They presented themselves one way, when in truth they are nothing like that and probably will never be. I’m not interested in trying to change this man into the person that I need him to be. He has a rebellious spirit that cannot be tamed.  I don’t want to be tied down or yoked up with someone who has so many issues. He doesn’t want to work on himself. He’d rather present a mirage than to do the leg work. He’s too old for that and too young to just quit on himself. I still care for him, but I know that I cannot help him. I’d just be adding extra pain and headaches to my already melodramatic life. I use to pray for indifference. Now I pray for independence.