Confessions of a Hope/less Romantic

I have always wanted to be in love. I suppose that I had never truly taken the time to consider how badly it effected me when it was not reciprocated. I took the time to ponder this after my significant other told me how moved he was by a new song by R. Kelly. The synopsis of the song is about how Mr. Kelly was once in a relationship that ended because while the woman was "madly" in love with him, he was not with her. Months after the break up he began to miss her and even dared to put himself in her shoes. He came to love her too late.

At first I took the scenario lightly (given R. Kelly's rap sheet as a womanizer), but when my man said that this song was his new favorite hit I became annoyed. I immediately knew he liked the tune because it was something he could very much relate to. At first I thought I was annoyed because I knew that he was not moved by a situation that happend with me or us. I can honestly or dishonestly say that I have never been "madly" in love with him. In any case, he was talking about what went down with his ex-wife. She was in love with him and he didn't treat her right. I know he is regretful about the mistakes he made with her. Then it hit me; I wasn't ticked because he was thinking of his ex.

I was pissed that no one had ever thought of me in the same regard.
I called myself "in love" on plenty of occassions. Half of my relationships with men have either been non-existant or never reciprocated. There was one guy who I guess we can say really got the better of me. He is the measuring point for my lowest of lows. When I finally got the chance to confront him about it, he seemed completely clueless to the great amount of pain that he caused me. He apologized, but it wasn't in the form of deep regret or remorse. I came to the conclusion that most of the men in my life never gave a damn about me.

The relationship that I'm in now is the longest and actual only meaningful one to date. The problem is that is comes with brick walls and grey areas. If I chose to, I could recall a time when I was 100% down for the cause. I was in it to win it. There were high hopes and great expectations. All of that went away when I found myself drowning in disappointment and despair. I get that no relationship is perfect, and I even know the 80/20 rule. I accept the thing for what it is. I just basically run on auto pilot. I know how to adjust and manuver in any given situation. I know my role; a mother, friend, listener, and part time lover.

At the end of my thought process I began to wonder one thing; is it better not to have any expectation, so there would be no disappointment...or is that just setting yourself up for failure because there is never a demand for improvement? It would be a shame if this relationship were to really end and either one of us were left with nothing more than "shudda, wudda, cudda".

Romance is For Suckas

Please don't bring me flowers; I just wanna fuck. Let's face it, in this economy it costs a small fortune for all that swooning shit. If you're in an established relationship the most it'll cost you to get laid is roughly 10-25 mins., depending on how committed you are to the cause. That's why I say that all that bullshit stuff in romance novels is for the birds. Throw me a "bone' and I'll be one happy heifer. It has occured to me that perhaps not all relationships are built on the same stack of lies, false pretenses, and over estimations. The one I'm in sure as hell is. Once you're groomed in that manner, you're pretty much doomed to stay in the same rut and are destined to be jaded from here on out. I don't feel like I'm bitter. I'm just being realistic. If anybody could find me one actual real life relationship that is remotely similar to what is seen in movies, let me know. I'd sure as hell like to see with my own eyes how that works....but I'm no sucka!

Overcoming the Jungle in My Mind

I haven’t had my hair relaxed in roughly a month and a half. My hair follicles or “new growth” are locked into tiny little curls. They told me at the salon that I have that “good stuff”, but if you tried to run a comb or even your hand through there’d be a traffic jam. In a way, the thoughts in my mind are locked just like the swirls in my hair. It’s a jungle in there.
Pretty soon I will go ahead and get a relaxed perm for my hair to process the curls and make it manageable. The purpose of this blog is to sift through the thoughts in my head, process them, and make my life manageable too. Even though my life seems like it’s running in slow motion, my dreams and desires are going so fast that they are all tangled up. I don’t know which part is fantasy or what I really want.
I’m at a point where self definition is very important to me. I’m a mother, lover, daughter, sister, and best friend. I have all my relationships established, but I have a hard time decoding my true “self” away from all of them. I feel like I always put myself on the backburner in order to fulfill my role(s). When I’m alone or sleeping I am constantly thinking about the person I want to be. I don’t know how to get there, I just know that by doing so I can become a more effective person and have better relationships.
Throughout my life I’ve been told that God has a plan for everyone. I’m not a devout believer, but I do have enough faith to know that my life is guided by the hand of God in many capacities. Sometimes in my dreams I find myself (literally) crying out to him to help me find my way. This is a painful process (almost as painful as getting a hair relaxer). When I wake my face is moist from my tears. This is something that truly haunts me.
I look to heaven to show me a sign of what my steps should be. I have walked in darkness feeling my way around life for years. How can I be any good to others if I feel so empty and lost all the time? My dreams are a sign of something. Even though they are mixed in with my desires, I know that they tell a story about me as a person. They shed a little light on the person that I am suppose to be, perhaps who I am becoming. Time will tell.

Living Inside My Head

Inside my head everything is alright
Inside my mind I'm no longer standing at start

I roam through my day wishing you could know just how it feels to be all alone
My sadness I keep within, because it's too much to ask you to bare

I'd love just for once to have my dreams come true
I promise not to waste a moment second guessing my life away

It is a gift to have things go your way
Nobody knows the trouble I see, not really, no one but me

Looking down the road is a long way to the finish line
I pray I find the strength to keep pushing on

When Love Ain't On The Menu

I’m beginning to lose hope in the way we “relate” to each other. The hit or miss scenario is getting old. I feel like there is no real purpose in reaching out to him. On one hand my body craves affection and attention. On the other, I know that I will come up lacking in one department or another. We’ve fallen into a rut, and it doesn’t seem likely that we’ll come out. The promise of keeping things fresh and alive seems to be far more demanding than what was expected. I find myself looking at the option of how to become a cheat. I don’t necessarily want to be with another. Maybe it can serve as a wakeup call for both of us. We are not lovers, nowhere near friends with benefits, and borderline of being platonic. I guess it’s true that when you can’t have it your way at one spot, you’ll make a way to get it at another.

Trains and Pains, and Things

What we have is beyond a culture clash, it’s unacceptable. Some simple truths have a way of breaking through. I’m not even mad, I totally get it. The writing’s been on the wall. It’s time to call the spade for what he is. I can’t say that I didn’t try; I needed to know without a doubt. It’s quite possible that some people were meant to be alone. What’s the point of “having” someone if you can’t have a happy home? I have no interest in trying to change a man who is completely content with the way he is. In fact, I admire that about him. That’s why I’m prepared to let it go, so he can be himself with no apologies. This here is a train wreck, and I’m getting off. There’s no way I can muscle my way through to a better tomorrow. It is what it is. I’m done digging my heels in quick sand. I’m all out of hope, so there’s only one option. My heart is no longer open and my mind is unavailable. At the end of the day I can live without this man. No more pretending, because that’s not me. That’s not the way a relationship should ever have to be. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I’m down for the count, that thing’s for sure. I look to heaven to make this thing right. It’s not like I gave in without a fight. I just don’t see the point in going in circles. I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I know I can’t take this anymore. I’m so empty, I can’t even cry. I don’t like to sleep with him, so I stay up half the night. My goal is to not let things go from bad to worse. I think we can dally in a comfortable silence. There’s no need to make a scene or to shout about it. That’s not my style. I can be cool about it. I have a feeling that the opportunity will come for a clean break. I will wait for it, because it’s the chance that I’m going to take. The signs will be there for when I make my move. I just have to be patient. I will do as much.

Cloudy Love With a Chance of Rain

Yea I got a ring, but I ain’t happy tho. There’s so many bullet holes in the cloak, it ain’t wearable. Too bad the steam engine puffed up the hill, but he ain’t make it tho. What are my options? Wake up and face being all alone or suck it up and be miserable? I’m chasing a dream, and it’s a nightmare. Funny how the truth slaps the taste right out your mouth. In reality, almost doesn’t count. What’s the point of a rainbow if there’s no pot of gold? It’s like a mirage of a promise that’s so beautiful. Being in this relationship is like waiting for a storm to pass. I would cry, but my tears would probably freeze on my face…cuz my heart is cold. My body’s numb from walking in limbo. I grieve deeply cuz I ain’t ask for this. When did the other half of fifty turn to thirty percent? I knew it was over, like a while ago. I’m just running on fumes ‘til the weather breaks….or I do first.